Monday, November 4, 2013

Indelible Waypoints

Before I left the theater yesterday I went to pee (since I don't have a home) and I ran into someone in the bathroom that I hadn't spoken to since July - my former mentor. It was super awkward partially because it was in a bathroom but also because things weren't left on good terms last we spoke. Our falling out was precipitated by me doing something he didn't approve of and was under the impression he had implicitly instructed me not to do. To my knowledge, he never gave me the directive in question after the face to face in July where the fall out happened, I sent an email the next day trying to discuss the situstion. I fully expected at least an email dialogue to hash things out and after no response to the email and one word responses, if any, to several text messages, I let it go.

Following the uncomfortable hello waiting for a urinal to open up we talked outside the theater for a few minutes where he told me that I didn't fight for our relationship enough and if I had valued it, I would have persisted. I politely informed him that I wasn't sure what he expected considering the fact that he hadn't responded to my communiques. He just repeated that you have to fight for what you want leaving me feeling confused and manipulated. We both had a feeling like maybe this "chance" meeting was for a reason but that reason was dubious. He told me that our relationship had been one dimensional because I wasn't open to a lot of the spiritual insights he wanted to delve into but if I wanted to take another crack at things I would have to be willing to go there, take instruction and allow things to be broken with the promise they would be fixed.

I left the meeting disconcerted, self doubt beginning to swirl in my mind. Was this a wake up call for me? Am I an obstinante rebel that was getting another chance? This went on for about 45 minutes as I tried to get it sorted. Slowly after anaylizing and getting outside feedback, the thought crystalized that maybe the meeting was for a reason, but not the one I initially thought. This had been an opportunity for me to be challenged in my decisions, and beliefs and realize that I am happy with where I am thereby gaining more confidence.

Don't let your first impression of a situation always be your truth. Sometimes you will be pushed right up to the line of losing faith in yourself but when you push through, the tension slingshots you to a whole new level of confidence. "Random" occurances may happen to guide you out of a destructive path but just as often they are there to leave an indelible mark in your soul - a way point that not only lifts you up but can be reflected back on when you feel lost in the future.

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