Friday, January 3, 2014

Ex-Professional Bad Guy

This year is starting out really shitty. Another relationship appears to have disintegrated overnight and it is purported that it's my fault. I've had three very important people in my life abandon me at a moments notice in the last two years and it fucking sucks. I've pursued the relationships to make it was clear I wanted to figure things out but to no avail. Now suffice to say that my actions have never been malicious or ill intentioned but that's how I'm perceived. Thankfully I'm house sitting for the week so I don't have to sit in my van freezing and heartbroken.

When I was getting divorced I changed my occupation on Facebook to Professional Bad Guy. Most people mistook it as me trying to say I was a badass when in fact it was a snarky deflection regarding the marital problems being all my fault. I tried to appropriate the scapegoat label as a defense mechanism but now I wonder if it says something deeper about me and the relationships I have chosen to be in. Either I'm a delusional sociopath blind to my faults or I subconsciously select abusive people to have in my life. Regardless of what the case is, I'm starting to think I need some sort of psychiatric help. Earlier today I deleted my profession on Facebook because I believe what we tell ourselves has power and I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of being a professional bad guy.

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