Today I was feeling slightly crazy and not in the unbelievable or busy sense that people use these days but in the literal dictionary definition of the word. It seems some days that I never make any headway towards being a normal well adjusted person who isn't constantly fucking something up. Eminem said it well "every time I go to get up I just fall in pits, My life's one great big ball of shit". For me and all my friends trying to figure out how to be adults in our 30s after realizing the way we were raised was bullshit, it can be frustrating and feel like running on a treadmill set at full incline. That's where the crazy feeling comes in - maybe I'm permanently broken and can't get past this.
While mulling this over today trying to analyze myself into a better spot it hit me - our growth is like a tree. Some of it is above ground and easy to spot but much of it takes place down below as you put down roots of self discovery and acceptance. Branches and foliage all look nice and are comforting signs but leaves fall off sometimes and you are bare for a season with not much to reassure yourself with. The real sign of how much you've grown is measured when a storm hits and you feel yourself being assaulted but holding fast because of the roots you've sunk deep. This surely isn't an original concept to me but it was the perspective that I needed in the moment. I might be some bizarre looking bonsai tree on the surface but ever day I hold fast I'm becoming more anchored standing out when the storms blow away the feckless.