Friday, August 8, 2014

Addictive Personality?

I was informed recently that I am perceived as having an addictive personality which took me by surprise. Probably the only thing I've ever been addicted to is working because I was trying to escape the rest of my life. But isn't that why anyone has addictions - to escape real life? In the last few years as I've come to terms with the fact that life is tough but I am tougher, I've realized that I don't want to be an escapist. If I keep my priorities straight and life balanced, then there will be no need to escape. 

My girlfriend asked yesterday if I ever had dreams where I ran from certain death. While I used to, I don't anymore. Dying right now is not something I wish for and I'm not taking unnecessary risks (most of the time) but I'm also not afraid of it. Probably because I had very little control over my life as a child, I learned to do the best I could and accept the rest including the inevitable end of life one day. The only thing I want to control is not letting any thing control me; that and reacting the best I can. My upbringing preached against drugs, alcohol and pornography (among other things) and while I have experienced all of them in limited quantities, none of them have really interested me. Escaping with addictions is stupid to me because I weigh everything in a rough cost / benefit analysis and addictive pleasures always comes up as impractical. Do I sound like Spock here? Yes, but there are facts of life that you can't ignore forever and being delusional is something I've never wanted to be. Death, taxes, betrayal, heartache are all going to happen in life but when you decide to accept reality, it's almost like you get a Teflon coating where shit doesn't stick to you as badly. I guess it's because when you accept the possibility of negatives, you aren't "blindsided" by things and can simply focus on the positives in life. 

Do I have an addictive personality? I don't know and don't want to definitively say no because that seems prideful. However, I do know that I've accepted the harshness of life which has allowed me to open up to all the amazing things in the world - not to escape anything but instead to be an organic part of the cosmos. *If that doesn't sound new-age hippy, I don't know what will*

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