Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Cutting Teeth

A year has passed since I decided to move out of a normal habitation and instead bed down in the back seat / trunk of my car. I clearly remember so many of the nights when I drive by the street or parking lots I slept in or the stolen showers, freezing, behind closed gas stations or in lakes. Much of it was difficult but it was also exciting and freeing not to mention economically beneficial. If I was to ever live in such a manner again, I would get a slightly larger vehicle so that there would at least be a place to shower and a chair or small couch to relax on. There was one night I clearly remember towards the end of December when I didn't have any work and was sitting there, key off, in the drivers seat for god knows how long in a movie theater parking lot and I felt like I was starting to bug out. It's not the solitude that was the problem but feeling confined in a way I can imagine prisoners or those suffering from cabin fever experience. 

Much has changed in my life since my break from normalicy. I've had some people leave my life abruptly, been lied to, been blessed in many ways, learned a greater depth of what I am capable of and can endure, came face to face with many fears (which I'm still working to overcome) but mostly discovered that the world is not what I thought it was but instead is what we make it to be each day. Unfortunately most people only look out for themselves and will throw some kindness your way if it benefits them. Most people also don't deserve to be let into your life closer than you could scope them with a sniper rifle. If you find someone who actually thinks of other people as much as themselves (and sometimes before themselves), you are lucky. It's those closest to you, those who you let inside stabbing range that can really fuck you up so you have to be selective as to who you open up to. Instead of obliterating you with a high caliber round, the can simply wound you permanently.  I'm resolved to do my best not to talk about other people to those it doesn't concern. With the exception of my writing, I'm also attempting to close down my borders significantly because as I'm getting older, I've realized that most people aren't worth having close and I'm actually good with a small group of loved ones. 

The nature of my life has changed slightly due to having a relationship I'm committed to but now there are just two people in tandem seeking out a life that's outside the "status quo". I don't have the same amount of time to myself or type of freedom as before but that is the nature of sharing your life with someone - it's not just yours anymore. Sure, I've cut a few new keys to add my ring now but I love our life and can't wait to see where it takes us next.

"All I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend". 

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