There has been a sudden attrition in my postings because a lot has been on my mind and I've been too exhausted to elucidate much of anything. Earlier this week I deleted the Facebook app off my phone because it was becoming a terrible habit and only caused me to be more stirred up with all the bullshit people post. Introspection and self analysis are difficult to perform when you are distracted by a million things around you but as the noise has died down I'm finally finding some clarity.
When I finally got out of my parents house and had freedom I have been driven to accomplish something with my life. Now a decade later, I'm worn out by being rebuffed so many times by the obstacles my childhood created in my path. In a way the adamantium leg shackles have been a blessing in disguise; they have forced me to slow down and analyze the shit out of my goals and their motivations because with everything being such a slog I didn't want to put effort in the wrong direction. All living beings have a hard wired need for safety but as humans our memories, feelings and the concept of the future many times turn into a struggle to feel in control. I'm not a trained psychologist but I've read enough and analyzed myself and others enough to know that most people who have detrimental behaviors are trying to simply calm their brains down and feel safe.
One major way people find safety is attempting to feel significant in society. I read this article (http://www.hb.org/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/) yesterday and it resonated with much of what I've been thinking. As I've analyzed many of my desires and pursuits, I've discovered that up till now nearly all of what I strived for was tied to the need to feel safe/in control/significant. Because our world is fucked up, most people are chasing something that eludes them like a mirage. This is where the "all is vanity" phrase from Solomon comes to mind. I always hated hearing that as a child because it was bandied about many times in the context of "worldy pleasures" promoting the idea that you should be of "sober mind" aka a fucking buzzkill. Now I'm seeing it from a different perspective that is helpful and hopeful.
All pursuits, if done for any reason but pure necessity or simple enjoyment, are vanity. Two people can do the exact same thing but one is doing it for approbation while the other person doesn't give a rats ass who sees or knows. It's not the activity but the motive that is what makes something pointless or vain. Finding that peaceful state of mind in anything other than accepting a few truths is impossible.
First you have to accept the fact that happiness comes from within and is contingent on nothing but your mental state.
Second you have to accept that no matter how powerful you become in the world, you will still be out of control of a lot. The only guaranteed things in life you can control is what actions you take and your reactions to others.
Third you must learn to accept yourself. This is hard if you don't feel safe because subconsciously the two are linked. If you don't trust yourself, it's probably because you don't believe in you or like who you are. Externally you don't trust others either because of bad experiences and / or you don't feel you are worth their love.
Much of humanity is having a dissatisfying love affair with vanity instead of courting themselves. Yeah I've hung out with some famous, rich, powerful people, I've done some cool things, been some cool places but they mean jackshit in the grand scope of life and happiness. Be passionate, but for yourself. If there was not another soul on the planet what would you do with your life? We don't get much time on earth and it is a tragedy for anyone to spend it investing in a trollop named Vanity.