Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Power Grab

Earlier today I was thinking about posting a question on Facebook "if there was a pill available to give you a random super power but it had a 50% chance of killing you, would you take it?" I've been thinking a lot about wizards because I've been reading the Dresden File books and people with super powers (because of the show in working on) and have day dreamed a little about what it would be like to have some kind of special abilities. Initially I thought I would take the fictitious pill I was positing but after more consideration I'm not so sure. 

See, most of us want control in our lives because we don't want to deal with the bullshit life throws at us and we don't like feeling unsafe. People talk about a level playing field for corporations, the rich etc which in essence is stripping them of  their power. Lack of control is to some extent what makes us human. Those in history who have tried to grasp for control almost always are assholes whether they start that way or become evil. Think about the cops you've run across; most of the obnoxious ones got a badge because they had little man syndrome or something similar and found a way to mitigate that. Power isn't a bad thing - in the proper hands it helps retain order in the world; however, seeking power out is what corrupts us. I'm not opposed to gun ownership but find it distasteful to see people carrying assault rifles through Walmart because all they really are trying to portray is "you can't fuck with us" and posturing is always obnoxious. 

The claim "the love of money is the root of all evil" is in essence "the love of power" because whether it's money, weapons, sex, authority - they all are branches of the same tree. At this point in my life I probably shouldn't take a super power pill if it was an option because wanting power is the first sign you shouldn't have it. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Unintegrated Sir Quits

I'm trying to wade through the evidence falsified / cause skewed facts nearly put me away for life
I thought it was true, entered a nolo plea, put on that jump suit, threw away the keys
Then slowly my sentence struck me as false, I was brainwashed into confinement behind these walls /
I finally escaped after nearly 30 years, but justice feels like it just is another fucked up sphere /
Now a free man, blinking in the sun, pushing away tears, while holding a gun / I might just do it, got nothing to lose except more years of taking abuse

Trying to assimilate to being outside is causing more questions than in the 8x5 / I've lost my bearings, security stripped away, messed up like a Power tripping balls on Sway /
Nothing makes sense to my overloaded senses / I need a Sensei's blade to cut through the tension /
Slice through the wires, sever the plug, my CPU's burning up, over clocked, almost fucked. /
Screw Batman I'm breaking Freeze out of Arkham Asylum / he'll keep me on ice till I debug this problem / Gotta keep cool so the smoke doesn't pop / blast my neurons with lead as liquid copper runs out.

Searching for answers to a question as broad as the lenses for capturing plus size broads / why are we here, just living to pay bills? / That's a shitty fucking reason, I don't want either pill. / Red or blue, both realities sucks, you're either a doped up drone or a tormented fuck. /
I stare into the dark thinking and searching, I'll find another way Morph, were I'm not constantly hurting. /
And I won't do it with morphine, coke, or tramadol, I'd rather shove an ice pick in my eye socket, while taking a shot / blissful ignorance in my glass, labotomys up /

What makes something right if there isn't a god? Can I chop of an arm or a security guard /
shoplift from his store with the severed digits, then beat the wrap and rap about it cause I didn't leave my own prints? / That's fucked up and sick right? but I'm not done cause I'll fuck his girl with his cold stiff thumb till she cums / but I'm not a monster, I'd microwave it first, hit rewarm for a quick 30 second burst / 
then feed her his sausage with a scrambled eggs breakfast / my brain is so scrambled I even stole her a present / a pearl necklace from the store her boyfriend was guarding / we're getting married next week while that dickless, one armed, rent a cop lays dying. 

Does might make right or are we obligated to restrain survival of the fittest like handicaps in a game? / Handicaps and minorities are taking over the world, soon we'll have bathrooms for guys dressed as girls. / we'll cater to everyone while cooking up / a cluster fuck in the kitchen / the lines backed way up / the menu is long enough to tie a noose / I should put my head in now, they've cooked my goose / I'm up to my neck, had it up to here / so fed up with society I'm foie gras schmear

I want answers but Jeeves said to ask Siri who said the mean of life was 42 - "fuck you bitch you hear me?" / Google just gave me some existential wiki, I'm going postal on gmail like Megatron on Witwicki. / There's probably no meaning it's just a cruel game / like burning ants with a magnifier / watching them burst into flame / but I keep on hoping, wishing and intently staring / into the night like an owl / hoping for an answer and someone caring. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's Raining, Shit

They say shit flows down stream / rolls down hill and in my current job there are days I get steam rolled by giant turds. There are about 6 people on higher but different branches that either directly fling poo my way or at someone just above me which of course filters down. Contemplating my position on the totem pole, I thought for a second that I was the last stop or if you will, the shit basin but realized that's only because I refuse to pass it on. Shit stops with whoever decides to stop the momentum. I could take out my stress on other guys in my department or my girlfriend when I get home or kick a dog or something but that's just being a terrible person. You can either let it wash over you and become filth yourself or you can let it bounce off as if you were coated with tephlon. 

Not absorbing the nastiness is tough because everyone wants to be liked and respected however, if you don't let things like work define you, then you have nothing to protect because your identity isn't being assaulted. If someone gets on my case I try to raise an eyebrow like "really dude?" and move on but if they start being abusive then I'll tell them what I think because I don't care if I'm fired. Life isn't worth spending time around assholes all day. My motto is "be the change (or energy) you want in the world". Next time you are feeling the fecal rain just get out an umbrella and don't take it out on someone else. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Stay Golden

Many of my morals and ethics have been under review this year as I've struggled to find a reason for retaining them. In the last few weeks I've also been pondering how my life currently reflects the title of this blog. Many people see my tattoo and ask what it means but I haven't had a succinct answer especially since I'm not doing anything odd like living out of my car at the moment. Maybe I didn't 100% know what it meant but felt something I didn't have words for.  

This past Sunday I heard Robert Frosts' poem Nothing Gold Can Stay for the first time as Ponyboy recites it to Johnny in The Outsiders. When the movie ended I thought about Johnny telling Ponyboy to "stay gold" and realized that that is what running from the status quo is. Life tarnishes us, makes us jaded and we lose the hope and wonder that children have, succumbing to a white washed prison of adult expectations and complications. It's not that I want to be reckless and irresponsible, I just don't want to live with a crushed and depleted soul. If you've read any of my other posts, you know that I can be a bit cynical at times but there is a part of me that is always fighting for hope and positivity. No matter how much shit people give me for what I believe or how beaten down I may get by life, it seems hard coded in me to run, for the gold (if you can pardon the shitty pun). 

Its said that only the good die young. They haven't had time to lose their shine but that doesn't mean that we can't still be good when we are old. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Now when someone asks "what is status quo fugitive?" I am going to reply "it's my version of stay gold". 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Head On: Apply Directly to Your Life

Last Saturday I received a text asking if I wanted to take a job for Monday which was great since I had nothing booked. However the job was in a position I've talked about before that I have found extremely stressful. Unfortunately my weekend was spent wigging out about Monday and on the drive in I had so much anxiety that I considered turning around and going home but stubbornness prevailed. I don't know when I developed this philosophy but at some point in my adult life I decided that if I was stressed out by a job, then there was probably a defect in me that needed to be addressed. Running from the issue never works because it's going to come up at some other point in another job or life in general. Thankfully the day went well and I am now working in the same capacity for the next few months (unless of course I'm fired lol). 

This really successful man wrote in a book how he was taught growing up that you can't be a success until you've been fired at least three times. While I don't completely agree that the actual firing is necessary, the attitude of being okay with it is important. I waited this entire week to post because I was skeptical of my own growth but my girlfriend commented today that I seem way more relaxed and happy. I realized as the week has passed that I have felt like a failure most of my life because I've always believed I was capable of something great but have never come close to even being moderately successful. The thought of failing again, in front of a bunch of people was almost paralyzing but I dont see myself as weak so I decided to act on what I believe and not what I felt. I want to be one of those guys who charges into the face of an oncoming marauding horde armed only with a sharpened stick because fuck it, I might win and if not at least it made for a good story and I didn't get taken out lying down. Kind of a Jack Churchill type of guy 
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/churchill.html. In addition to being more relaxed in general, this job forces me to focus which is hard for my mind that is always going all over the place. In a way it's like meditation. 

If you don't run from your issues but stand and face them, they may crush you for a bit until you learn where they derive their power. They are energized by your hurts and insecurities and when you shut down the generator, you can kick the monsters ass. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Columbusted Day

I peeked at Facebook yesterday and was assaulted by numerous indignant posts about not celebrating Columbus Day because as it turns out, Captain Chris was a horrible person. While I agree that celebrating a degenerate asshole is stupid, people really need to come off it. There are very very few truly good people in the world and even individuals who have done great things for humanity have flaws. We like to select certain portions of someone's life and celebrate it because it encourages us but the fact is almost everyone has had darkness in their lives. Winston Churchill suffered from major depression (and probably other things), Thomas Edison was a thief and an asshole, MLK JR was unfaithful to his wife (as are a lot of men unfortunately) - I could go on forever. Just look at the dude that make the video about Kony, shortly after all the buzz he was arrested for being indecent in public. 

There is a growing trend fueled by sites like upworthy where people are being confronted with perceived injustices and start bandwagonning. That isn't necessarily a bad thing because there is a lot of evil shit in the world but what lasting good are you doing? I'm all for making people's lives better and exposing truth but that doesn't fix the human condition. Nearly every time America has interfered in another countries affairs because we thought we were helping, it ends up backfiring like when we trained and supplied the Taliban with weapons which were then aimed at us. You can't slap band aids on a chest cavity that is split wide open and expect success. 

Is there someone better than Columbus to celebrate? Probably, but part of our problem is that we want heroes when everyone is just human. If you know enough about someone they will disappoint you eventually - some to greater levels than others. Our mindset of how we view humanity needs to change at a fundamental level. The high-horse-self-righteous-bullshit needs to stop because while it's partially well intentioned, it's also just pretentious anger masked as being a decent human. Everyone wants to feel like a good person and like they have overcome their issues but that is accomplished on the inside not through spouting rhetoric. Are we angry about things being forced on us for centuries and people being treated poorly? Sure, but instead of getting indignant about what was done in the past, live the life you believe in now without fanfare. 

I was raised in a homeschool cult and a lot of people I know are holding onto anger and bitterness towards the founder into their adulthood. I don't give two shits about what Bill Gothard because I've moved on. In my opinion, long term anger is symptomatic of hurts that haven't healed. When you heal you are free to simply be what you want life to look like because you are no man's prisoner. Instead of celebrating dead people or people you don't really know, lets celebrate the decent people around us each day. Thank someone who brings joy to your work, school, home and don't wait till they are dead. Tend the garden in your own backyard. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Shifting Gears

I used to think that if you simply worked hard you would get ahead in life but after 15 years of being an employee in various industries I'm realizing that hard work will only get you in the door. A few days ago I was listening to a guy talk about being a child and trying to race against a friend on a ten speed bicycle with his single speed. He said he realized that no matter how hard he pumped he would not be able to catch up with his friend and something clicked in my mind. I've always worked hard but only in a few instance has it been recognized and rewarded to some extent. For the most part, the bosses are just happy that I am making money for them. There's a point where you are so poor that you cannot invest in anything and saving is virtually useless no matter how Clark Howard you get with your life. The stage inbetween poverty and wealth is where it's very important to learn how to shift gears. 

To be successful you need to start off slowly and learn how to handle the speed you are going but also learn when to click to the next gear. A lot of people want to go 0-500 instantly but accelerate too quickly and you will rip your face off. That's what happens to a lot of child stars or people born into wealth - they have no clue how to handle it. If you learn how to shift up, you'll also know how and when to shift back down when a hill comes instead of stalling out and having to walk that bitch up.

I've gotten out of the "so poor I don't have two nickels to rub together" spot and am looking for how and when to click to the next gear. It can be daunting because I may make a mistake but that's part of the learning process and confidence comes with experience. I realized yesterday that a good way to detach myself from a lot of the fear and stress in day to day life is to not let things be my identity that I cannot control. Some of the more difficult people to work for are those whose identity is their job (of course some are just plain assholes). Instead of doing a good job and leaving it at that, they are afraid of mistakes and losing their connection to part of what makes them feel special. When you know how you got to where you are you aren't afraid of not being able to get back there and when your happiness isn't tied to that location then you will enjoy life a lot more. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sexual Advances

It's amazing how information that seems completely inconsequential and well known to most people can be life changing to someone else. For instance if you were raised in this century believing the world is flat and someone mentions in passing the curvature of the earth suddenly causing your mind to explode because you don't need to fear walking close to the edge anymore. I probably shouldn't admit this but I had one of these moments last week when I learned that most people evaluate everyone in their life by whether or not they would have sex with them. Learning that I have been sized up in this way before my personality ever came into play came as a shock especially when I went back through my memories and linked other probable memories that had gone over my head at the time. That knowledge revealed a couple things to me but the most important one is that I have limited my life purely because of what I believed about myself.

One Christmas when I was about 14 a friend of my mother asked what I wanted that year. I replied "nothing" which impressed her because she interpreted that as me being some sort of godly ascetic. The truth was that there were plenty of things I would have loved to receive in nicely wrapped packages however, I knew there was no chance of getting any of them so I developed a forced and misunderstood contentment. The puritanical view of sex and relationships that I grew up with created a similar mindset where I had blinders on towards all the women I met because I was certain women didn't want to have sex with me. Just like the Nerf gun and Nintendo I wanted that Christmas but wouldn't get, I settled for believing I was ok being invisible to women. Now for the record, I'm not ugly but I'm not Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling either so the once or twice that I've known a woman wanted a romp with me was slightly shocking but I dismissed it as "they are batshit crazy and hit on any man".  I wasn't walking around dejected and completely lacking confidence, I just felt like I was trying to play Backgammon while everyone else was playing Checkers.

You can draw many conclusions from this post about my sexual and romantic life which are probably completely erroneous but what you think about that portion of my life is irrelevant. The point I want to make is that we are so limited by our minds and what we believe when opportunity is usually waiting for us to take it home. It's like the stories you hear about orphan kids who get adopted and stuff food in their pockets at dinner because they are afraid it's going to go away or won't join in with the rest of the family having fun because they feel they don't belong

The truth really can set you free.

Friday, October 3, 2014

The Pool

Along a mountain path I climbed surveying the land I inhabited
Littered about were patches bare of vegetation
Except for the carcasses of unfortunate animals 
Victims of an unknown predator
I wondered what could cause such death until I reached the peak
Where sat a crater brimming with a dark and sinister liquid 
Slowly boiling, swirling, the acrid stink of death emanated
Dark as unrefined oil yet smooth and thin as silk
I thought to cast a stone into the heart of the pond
Yet reconsidered for fear of breaking the tension holding the surface together
Every attempt I made to cover over the pit was in vain
No barriers could withstand the acid vapor 
Eventually they would be breached
Collapsing inward overwhelming the pools sides
Rivers of destruction once again flowing like tears down the mountains face
I learned to sit vigilant fending off the crows 
The dark birds liked to drop pebbles in gaining meals left by the overflow
If uncovered and unmolested evaporation slowly reduced the danger
Molecules hand in hand not stretched in effort to keep from spilling over
And as the liquid vanished a form took shape lying at the bottom
Then I knew the crater must be drained no matter what the cost
To lay the soul to proper rest and cause destruction to cease
A channel cut, the river ran down
Down, absorbed by the foothill's soil
Finally empty the crater revealed the body of a child
Abused and slain, thrown away for quite some while
Rotting in that pit, contaminating the rain, poisoning the mountain
Somberly I gather the poor child's frame to carry down the mountain to a proper grave
I did not look close till he lay interred pondering what to words to speak
As my eyes searched his face
What I had not seen before
Was plain as day now
The child was me
I mourned what had been forgotten
I mourned but also rejoiced
The crater was at last clean 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Pursuing Unknown Expectations

I've journeyed far, over mountains, through deserts
Towards the destination my heart yearned for
A beautiful panorama where I would feel at home
Each landscape on the way ignored,
They were not what I envisioned
When finally I arrived in that promised land
Joy and happiness filled my heart but only for a while
For soon a storm came and battered upon my head
As wind and rain assaulted
This sanctuary now was tarnished 
I drew back up hurling myself after whispers of a better place
Yet time and again my journeys end became only a temporary stop
For nothing I imagined lived up to what I expected them to be
At some time or another they did not shelter from monsters or storms
Exhausted and betrayed I lay down upon the path
Unconcerned by the vultures circling overhead
I considered whether there may yet still be a perfect place out there to find
Slowly I discovered that it was my expectations who betrayed me
The journey was only marginally about my passion for serene beauty
Subconsciously my destinations were synonymous with safety
But nothing is a perfect shield no matter how splended it seems
The best I can do is steel my soul by killing expectations
No longer chasing what cannot be offered
I accepted the inbetween places, wandering now carefree 
I do not hurry, I do not fret over adversity that may come
Destinations will still be chosen but not to fill a need
Each bit along the way now enjoyed
Content with every step
Not seeking what can't be found, I am truly free