Sunday, November 30, 2014

Uncomfortable

Have you ever had something make you feel uncomfortable but you can't explain why? Or maybe you think you know the reason - your morals are being trampled on or feelings hurt; but then your morals change, you become enlightened, thicker skinned - yet still you are bothered. Growing up with so much off limits for discussion much less experience, I found myself uncomfortable a lot once confronted with the real world. You would think that after abandoning so much of the baggage of manufactured beliefs that I would now be chill in most any environment or situation. Recently I realized that despite my beliefs about the outside world changing, my beliefs about myself hadn't changed a whole lot. I still run into many uncomfortable situations not because of what I think about life and other people, but because of what I think of myself.

Being uncomfortable is direct product of insecurity and fear. Most of the time we feel awkward because we worry about what other people will think of us. It's natural to desire to be loved but not everyone is going to love you and putting other people's opinions above your own is rather silly. The culture I grew up in taught that if you were confronted with a situation that went against your beliefs, you should make a statement letting everyone else know you were not in agreement. I guess that was their way of diffusing their own tension and fear by fragging the person they were judging with an insecurity grenade. My sister deleted me off her Facebook because she didn't want her friends to think that she endorsed or sanctioned what I talked about.

Horror movies and the news have always been something I avoided because I didn't want to think about the depravity of man especially when it relates to children. This is mainly because my imagination puts me in that situation and runs away into an entire narrative of palpable pain and anger. Subconsciously wanting to avoid that runaway train my brain just says "I don't like horror movies. They make me uncomfortable". We shouldn't constantly pump our heads full of negative thoughts; however, avoiding them because of postulated fear is not healthy. Tiptoeing around topics like they don't exist doesn't change reality. The best thing to do is say "yep, that could happen, hopefully not but I will confront whatever life throws at me." It's the fear of being crushed by an event that paralyzes many. The truth is, you can always go on if you choose to.

Jealously pops up a lot in relationships because one partner or the other "doesn't feel comfortable with certain actions" of the other partner. I never cheated on my ex-wife or came anywhere close but she was so insecure that she wanted me to agree to rules regarding how I would interact with other women. Don't like to hear about your partners past relationships? Probably because you are afraid there is a part of them that still loves the other person. Afraid that they are going to cheat on you just because they are friends with someone attractive? Unless you are a terrifying psychopath, your fear isn't doing anything but driving them away from you.

People make choices everyday. Either they will stay with you or they will go. They will judge your or accept you. Being uncomfortable is a choice in your own head (and heart) related to a need for others approval or quelling your fears. Someone is going to say "well there is just some stuff that is plain wrong. I should feel uncomfortable around it" to which I say "bullshit". If you look in the bible, Jesus wasn't uncomfortable being around whores, thieves, etc because he was the original honey badger - he didn't give a shit what anyone thought but loved people as they were. Jesus didn't allow the judgement of someone else's identity to effect his own and neither should we.

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