Monday, December 8, 2014

Not Okay

As I'm apt to do, I've been thinking a lot about life and many things have been piling up in my brain. For instance, why do we laugh when kids do something inappropriate? Or accept brashness from an elderly individual? The rest of us caught in the middle are expected to act within a certain set of societal parameters that many times trap us from being healthy. Listening to a veteran from Iraq talk about his experience dealing with the trauma of war and assimilating back into normal life, he said that he had to come to a point where he acknowledged that he wasn't ok and it was okay to not be okay. Admitting you have a problem is scary because it makes others uncomfortable and c'mon, you are an adult - you should have your shit together. 

The human brain is a sophisticated pattern seeking computer driven to find what will bring us peace and comfort. Unfortunately we start receiving input before we have a context built up to make proper sense of that information. This creates scenarios like a woman who carried guilt for 40 years because she thought something she did as a little girl caused her dad to commit suicide. I'm convinced that many people glom onto religion because it provides them with a pacification of their pain where they don't have to admit they have a problem. Just do the right thing and when you die, it will all be better. Almost anytime you confront someone's crutch whether it be religion, OCD, addiction etc they react because you are touching pain they have been suppressing. 

Last week I was discussing the universe (or potential multiverses) and the idea that this is all a simulation (Life is a giant computer designed to determine the meaning of life - 42....) I commented that I hope this isn't all there is regardless of whether it was a simulation or not, to which my co-worker responded "why does there have to be a meaning to life? Why do you need a Heaven?" 

For the record, I don't need a heaven, I just want to have something - a place where my spirit / energy is finally at peace and knows it. I mean when you die, if there's nothing else, I suppose you would technically be at peace but you wouldn't know so it's moot and there's the rub.

My childhood could have been much worse but regardless it left me with deep scars and a wake subsequent choices that I feel everyday. If I knew for a fact there wasn't a cosmic justifying of the balances, I don't think I would get up tomorrow. I've tried to accomplish many things in my life and have had temporary relief but at some point I realize that it's not really filling that need in my heart. 
There's a good chance I will struggle for another 50+ years and never get to that place of feeling like I've overcome. I need to remember my past to feel like I've beaten the monster and that is why I hope - because if I don't beat it in this life, perhaps I will beat it in the next.

For all of us to be healthy as humans, we need to admit when we aren't okay and allow all the negative things we have propped ourselves up with to fall away. We have a perpetuating cycle of broken people making children and then breaking them. This is largely because adults don't admit they have problems. If adults were more honest about their deficiencies it would help to correct many of the inaccurate ideas children form about life and themselves. Admitting you aren't okay doesn't just help you, it can help the future of our species. I know I'm not okay, how about you?

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