Yesterday was my last day on a project I started 4 months ago I was extremely reluctant to sign on to. I had been trying to more or less freelance to maintain time to write but also because I didn't want to have to deal with any one specific group of people for more than a few days here or there. The job was doing something I wasn't very skilled at and honestly was one of the hardest things I've ever tried to learn to do in my life. I mean, I taught myself how to play the trumpet well enough in a couple weeks to participate with a Christmas band one year as a teen and that seemed easy in comparison. Most of the difficulty came not so much from the mechanics of the job but my fear of failure and angering / disappointing other people. It's hard to dance when you're worried about all the steps.
Thankfully I stuck through it and in the last month or so, I finally felt like I was getting the hang of it but realized it was mostly because I was fighting my demons. This point in my life is the happiest I have ever been and as I was looking back this past Monday I realized that all of the things I have pressed through have been like turning the wheel on a catapult. Each turn has been harder and harder but I feel like the arm is almost low enough to be loaded and cut loose. I don't believe in having dreams with very specific attributes per se (like I'm going to be president of the US by 45) but instead believe in having a vision of who we want to be (a leader for example) and all the other stuff falls into place. I know I'm a creative person and I've embraced and pursued it in the ways that I can - particularly writing. Before I didn't trust myself and was afraid to put anything out there that might not be the most amazing thing ever made because I thought people would think I was stupid. The truth is that everyone has to grow and advance and I'm doing that with each thing I write. Instead of putting off writing till I had "a decent amount of time" I've begun writing for at least a few minutes when I get home from work, or early in the morning before I leave. Who knows how the end product will be but in a few weeks, I already have 16,000 words written in a book. The average novel is about 65,000 words so I'm clipping along at a good pace.
When you quit doubting yourself or being concerned with your own lack of skill and just pursue you in little ways consistently, it's slowly putting more and more tension on that rope. I'm so thankful to have some people that love me in my life. It's way harder to change your outlook on life when you are struggling to find a ray of sunshine somewhere. Now I've got the whole freaking sun, things are growing and life is awesome.