Friday, February 6, 2015

Unblocking the Apology

It's said that "bitterness only keeps you prisoner" but I think that's only partially true.

When you refuse to forgive, the energy / attitude you give off blocks the person who hurt you from seeing that they were wrong. It's kind of like a man molesting a girl and she develops such a bad body image from it that she becomes a "slut" because she just wants to feel valuable to someone. The perpetrator sees this and thinks she was a slut all along. She wanted me to do what I did. Or if a parent was harsh towards their children who then start talking back viciously, the parent thinks no wonder I talked to my kids the way I do. They are terrors. Those who hurt you have a much harder time seeing the error of their ways when you are reacting. In their mind they think I can't be that bad or they would shut me off.

I don't think it's just viewing the reactions the hurt create, but I really believe there is some kind of invisible negative energy that is released when you choose to not hold onto hurt. Many people think I'll forgive them if they ever apologize but those folks usually sit there eternally hurt. The thing is if you need the apology to forgive, then I question whether you are truly forgiving. If someone apologizes before you choose to forgive them you feel justified in the hurt. Instead of letting it go, the hurt gets fertilized soil to grow into a warped world view that you filter your life through. You then beat everyone over the head with all the hurt you now perceive or create for yourself because you want to ameliorate the hurt. Yes apologies are wonderful but instead of being a justification for hurts where you hold onto a little piece of it because you knew you were right, apologies should be the first girders laid to rebuilding the relationship. I've heard stories and know from my own life that when someone lets the bitterness go, many an apology eventually come that never seemed possible.

People who don't forgive sit in a pity party constantly dredging up the past pushing those who would support and love them away. You can only listen to someone vent without taking action for so long before you tire of it. Unfortunately the wallowing only makes you feel more alone exacerbating the self destructive circle. When you take responsibility for your own life and cut out the harmful influences while forgiving, it can be a wake up call to the evil doers where they are forced to evaluate their own lives. The self-empowered actions are like a mirror and if the person is not completely gone, they will have to confront their own demons.

It's also said "be the change you want" and I think that is true on more levels than leading by example of say picking up litter. I really think that when you are the change you want in the world it literally unblocks someone else to change.

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