Monday, July 13, 2015

Living Your Truth

My girlfriend bought the box set of the TV series Felicity and asked if I would watch it with her. This morning as we hit the second episode, it struck a nerve. The scene was where Felicity tells her mother that she had enjoyed eating a burger by herself on a Tuesday. Every Tuesday Felicity and her mother would have lunch and while she wasn't trying to say she had hated all those lunches, she was trying to tell her parents that it felt good to be growing up. This of course didn't translate to her mother who instantly felt rejected because the truth was the lunches were more for her than her daughter. Many parents have kids to fill a need in their hearts which is a terrible reason to have a child. However, most people don't realize that and are just trying to do the best they know how. The scene about Tuesday lunch was my childhood x 1000 partially because it was inescapable being in proximity to my mother 24/7 but also because she felt rejected by a lot - particularly me.

I was angry sitting there watching this play out on the screen. I wanted to keep being angry because it felt like it justified my struggle against being a fucked up human. I've known I had a lot of stuff to deal with but at the same time I've constantly doubted myself thinking I am just sensitive and blew it out of proportion. On top of everything else, I was harped on for being angry as a child as if there was something wrong with me. 

Anger is not something I find pleasant to sit in for long anymore so I resorted to my drug - thinking. I thought about my parents and how they were doing the best they knew how, or possibly they knew better but this was the best they dared to do. When you say "they did the best they knew how" it's a half truth. We are all confronted at various times with better ways to live. The problem is that we discount them out of pride which comes out of fear. And there in lies the problem with much humanity: we see truth and know it's there but we are too afraid to live it. 

That's probably why so many people hate themselves; they can't block out that image of who they know they are but they are too afraid to take steps toward it. I was criticized, disciplined etc for just being me. I've always been curious, asked a million questions, and tried to be optimistic but for a long time I became too scared to be myself. There are always options out there but most people don't dare to do better because what if they are wrong? What if it makes life more difficult? While I'm not gay, I think I can relate to the feeling of being something people don't like or approve of. It's not like I had a coming out of the closet experience but more like I've just been slowly peeling off the clay they tried to use to make me into their image. It's not all gone but the relief of not being suffocated by a facade is immense as I expect it is when someone comes out. 

We don't need to be more honest with ourselves, we need to have bigger hearts with more courage. If you believe your life could be more you and that doesn't involve taking advantage of someone else, then get a breath of fresh air and live the honesty that you feel looking in the mirror. 

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