Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
I haven't posted anything in several days because I didn't have anything to say that wouldn't get me committed or come back to haunt me in some way. The fact that I can't be completely honest chafes me severly but common sense is sometimes better than honesty I suppose. All I can say is that I've once again discovered that despite my best efforts, I have control over virtually nothing. You grab onto what looks like a secure hold while climbing the mountain only to have it come loose and fall a good ways, jerking to a stop when the rope catches you. For a while I could tell that I was on the edge and I think it finally happened - something broke. Don't know which way to go nor do I really care anymore just placing one foot in front of the other till there isn't any more road.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Being Christmas and all I feel obliged to write something. Although, I don't know why considering I'm not the guy to send out holiday texts or Facebook statuses. The truth is I'm kind of bored so maybe that's the reason. I ventured down to Florida to surprise my girlfriend even though she has to work this whole week so it was more of a loving gesture than anything. Last night I slept in a rest stop parking lot and downed a good bit of Fireball while trying to watch Elysium on my phone. As much as I love Matt Damon, the movie was terrible. Sidebar: a lot of people take out a shitty movie on the actors when the reality is that it's highly unlikely that it is their fault. There is so much that goes into making a film and while you may start with a decent script, it can turn into a pile of shit faster than a prom dress comes off. A director may give terrible direction to the actors, the chosen score may not set the proper mood, the editing process can severely change the story and no matter how good everything else is, if the special effects suck, then the film is sinking like toilet paper rowboat.
With the exception of showering (I like to keep clean and smell decent), it would be quite fun to travel around like a hobo from rest stop to rest stop photographing the country and having singular experiences - a Jack Kerouacian adventure without all the drugs. Spent a little time walking the beach today and a seashell inspired a thought: many things are meant to be enjoyed right in the setting they are in, not absconded with in an attempt to keep the moment with you. Seashells and rocks in particular look striking when you find them on the beach or in a stream but after you cart them home and they dry off, their beauty disappears and they become, in many cases, really quite ugly. Sure, you can put them in a tank of water at home but it requires a recreation of the setting with a certain amount of upkeep. While not an evil thing, we would probably all be served better to take snapshots (literal or mental) of the beauty we see and as the Beatles said "let it be". I'll let you zenstrapolate that into other areas of your life yourself.
While I was sitting on a bench listening to the waves break on the seawall, I noticed a family on the balcony of a condo taking family smiling with their arms around each other. At first I thought they were having a moment of thanks but realized they were just taking photos. Unfortunately behind many smiling faces in family photos there is a lot of pain and broken relationships. A family that truely loves each other and actually gets along is a rare thing. For those of you that have that this holiday season, I am genuinely happy for you. All the rest of us stragglers, have the opportunity to make our own family and be that care and support for someone else. There is nothing in my eyes more commendable, brave and touching than to see someone who has been hurt make the choice to rise above and be different instead of reacting by spreading more pain.
Merry *whatever you celebrate* my friends (and all that platitudinal shit)....
Monday, December 23, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
There are people all of us know that from the outside appear to be no different from the rest of the world but occasionally they'll let you in past the atrium of their lives and you glimpse the strength of spirit they possess. I was having one such conversation the other night and was astounded once again by how tough humans can be. My dithering about life is pathetic in comparison and you, you know who you are, have my profound respect.
I still don't know what the point of life is but maybe that's where I'm going wrong - looking for a point. Some people just exist in each moment seemingly without a thought to how they fit into the puzzle. I think they are the ones who get it because instead of looking for where they fit in, they simply are, allowing pieces to fill in around them.
* For the record, some of the strongest people I know are women and I would be remiss to not make note of that fact. Ladies - you rock. May you be the center of a beautiful puzzle providing inspiration for many. *
Monday, December 16, 2013
I stumbled upon this page (litterally with the app Stumble Upon) a few minutes ago. It's a poignant and succinct demonstration of 10 great existential ideas illustrated through Calvin and Hobbes comic strips. The first two in the list are what struck me immediately (because they were first of course) but also because they resonated the strongest. My favorite TV shows and movies have characters with a "good heart" but who color outside the lines with no apologies. The heroes are eccentric, at many times difficult to deal with on a personal level but they are true to themselves throwing off social norms - any shred of left ceremony was left in their mothers uterus'.
While I'm not an anarchist, I believe that if people lived by all 10 of the thoughts in the article, but predominately the first two, the world would be a much happier place. Too many people allow themselves to be trapped in unhappiness because they don't want to rock other people's boats. The thing is, we're all in this ocean together. You have to deal with the wake from their movement so don't sit still because your progress bothers someone else. Everyone needs sea legs and if you've never encountered some waves to develop them then it's not my fault. Keep doing you and be a rebel without a pause.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
It seems that everytime I get to a place in my life where I'm comfortable, something comes along to disturb my comfort. For a long time I thought I just wasn't allowed to be happy. When I look back at the circumstances, I discovered that the discomfort was propelling me forward in life. As much as I would consider myself a fairly unassuming person, other people and life seem to see a potential in me that I am unaware of.
My new position at work has stressed me out incredibly however it has also afforded me a chance to observe other departments much closer than before. This proximity coupled with observation are instructing me and I expect, unless I become lazy and give up, life will eventually propell me into a much higher position in my field.
The moral is - don't turn down opportunities offered to you because you feel unqualified or stressed by them. If you don't become sedentary, you will achieve great heights.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
I really have no idea what that song is supposed to be about but what I take from it is this: a guy pursues being an astronaut and in that process he discovers something he didn't expect. As much as he knew what his career was and how much he was going to miss people on earth, he didn't know who he really was. When the ship gets to space he realizes that it's not so much being an astronaut that he wants but It's the solitude and god like perspective on the world he gains in space that he's after.
A lot of things in life are like Rocket Man - you start out in one direction and discover something tangential (and possibly course altering) in the process. My job is like that: I enjoy much of it but it's the why that I'm interested in. Am I discovering "I'm not the man they think I am at home?" Am I a wacked out carny that thrives on chaos and a semi dysfunctional family environment? I don't want things to be hidden from me or the people that know me. As cool as it sound I don't want to be "a rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone".
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Enjoy your loved ones that are still alive, help the helpless as they fight to survive. Don't fight wars for oil or drugs - fight to make the world better with kindness and hugs. The only thing that's certain is the moment called now don't worry about killing someone's holy cow - to feed a begger who's starving for food or let a dude marry another dude.
Your narrow minded ways only lasts till you're gone, is oppressing someone else what gets you off? Yet you mourn for someone you never knew explain how that makes any sense from your point of view?
I tear up everytime I see the flag of names - people who died when the towers fell in flames. Or war memorials, they're people I knew nothing about but their lives were snuffed in pointless wars - candles in the wind gone out.
Call me an asshole for not being sad over Mandella, Walker like some fucked up fad - my heart breaks for kids with abusive dads. Its the people in pain not some fucking celeb attention should be paid cause they're not dead.....yet
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
While I don't obsess over being super healthy (we're all going to die at some point), I do like to be balanced in what I put into my body. My preferences do lean towards healthier foods and practices (I love salads and not having a BMI of like 500) so when I read an article about oil pulling I figured "what the heck, why not?"
The name of the procedure almost turned me off because it's sounds so dumb but everything has to be called something I suppose - like blogging. Oil pulling is where you swill coconut oil in your mouth for 20 minutes as an alternative to brushing your teeth. The claim is it will repair your teeth and fight cavities. Sounds too good to be true but it doesn't cost much except my self respect when I find out I've been had. Who are we kidding, I lost my self respect a long time ago so this only costs the price of the coconut oil.
I haven't been to a dentist in 10 years so I have no way of knowing if I have cavities to measure the success of the oil pulling by. Hopefully I will get a visit in next year with xrays and all that jazz. If I don't have any cavities, I will probably assume that it was the oil pulling and try to proselytize everyone I know *sarcasm*.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Over the past 10 years I've been able to watch myself grow up and become a semi-mature adult. It's a weird thing because I was never conscious of the changes in my maturity as a child. That could be due to the fact that kids are obvlious or maybe I was just arrested in development and didn't start to mature till I was 20. The biggest lesson I have learned in my maturation is to face things head on whether they be circumstances or relationships.
I had a moment of childishness last week after getting offended by several family members and I started to cut them off. The reality is that one of the situations was purely from lack of communication which engendered assumptions on my part. After I cooled down from my tantrum, I decided to call both relatives and try to talk about how I felt but also hear them out. Suprisingly, both talks went really well and while there is still an issue between us, we understand each other better and have an open line between us. This doesn't mean that we will see eye to eye and all obstacles will evaporate but there's a much better chance of it now.
Mature people face things, they don't run away. The one caveat is that some abusive people will say you are running away when you distance yourself from their damage and intractability. It's a knifes edge sometimes between the two but when you are willing to face your problems it becomes much easier to detect the difference.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
I hate that I can't keep Bruce Banner on the scene. I'm not physically violent just lyricaly mean. This mother fucking pissed off ginger gone green is straight up wassabi I make your ear buds scream. Sick of being messed with, tested and prodded - I'm not an animal on your farm waiting to be slaughtered. My mamma, my ex, people I barely know think they have the right to tell me how my life should go.
Shut the fuck up cause you don't know shit - you're about to be named in the next ryhme I spit. I'll spit on your grave while still shoveling dirt, you're about as worthless to me as a virgin birth. Which makes about as much sense as loading a gun, only to disassemble a round, dump gunpowder in his lungs. Then as he's choking to death scream "I went outside the box, unconventional this time just to steal a watch I fucking designed ."
Step back bitches before I blow - I'm like a frag grenade you'll be the first go. You claim you care you can shove it up your ass your love is sticky acid covered in broken glass. Leave me alone quit messing with my head. It would serve you all right if I woke up dead. Had an aneurysm in my sleep, bled out in my car, but i doubt you'd regret having pushed me so hard.
I not going to die, nope I'm sticking around. I'm going to get where I'm going not burn this mother down. The secret I'm learning to break the infinite loop is forgiving you shitheads right here in the booth. I won't be close so you can keep messing with me but this forgiveness is like tephlon - the best way to be clean.