Tuesday, March 21, 2017

What's Going On

I haven't written much on here in quite a while for several reasons: the biggest two being, 1. The app I used to post quit functioning and I rarely am at a computer 2. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. Not having anything to say does not equate to nothing going on in my life: quite the contrary. There has been so much swirling around my psyche it has been difficult to nail anything down that is worth spending the time to write about. The more I read, ponder and experience, what I thought was important or "truth" seems less so. I can write passionately about something and then realize sometimes only hours later that I really didn't need to feel so passionate about whatever it was. In the grand scheme of things it all is "vanity" and the best thing you can do is to enjoy whatever it is that you do.  I've been asking myself "why do I do _____ ?" You can fill in the blank with anything and if you stop and are honest with yourself, you come to realize that most of what you do arises from environmentally programmed behavior. Children ask "why?" constantly until they are told enough times to shut up or are given the "it's just how it is" answer. I'm convinced most adults become exasperated by incessant questions because they don't know the why for many things and they don't want to admit that to anyone. So we continue to repeat the same cycle over and over again because changing things seems difficult. For instance we still use QWERTY keyboards when it's proven to not be the most efficient letter setup. Human society is rife with outdated ways of doing things because we are so attached to the way things are and lack the imagination that would propel us to make things better - that or we're just plain lazy.  The "advanced" civilizations of our modern age tend to look at the earth and all non-human life as something separate - a commodity to be used for whatever purpose desired. Watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes this past weekend I was struck by the scene where James Franco's character is telling Caesar "you know what they [the now super intelligent apes] are capable of". They're capable of the same things that humans are which is what causes the fear and attempts to remain on top of the food chain.  What if the earth and everything in it were all organisms in a greater entity? There are millions of bacteria in our bodies that are alive and most likely conscious to some extent. The only reason we think we are different than them is just that - we think we are. Adults persist in asking children "what do you want to be when you grow up?" as if they aren't something already. You don't have to "be anything" because you already are. The idea that we have to grow up, find a niche and then stay that way more or less till we die is existential poison. Everything can change in an instant yet it rarely does because we are afraid of the unknown. I havent posted much because the more I learn, the less I really have to say. We over complicate life in an attempt to justify our beliefs and ways of life when at the root of everything is incomprehensible simplicity.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bully Pulpit

I'm like a preacher against the political, but mr. president don't take my shit literal, I rap rhymes in parables, spit from my bully pulpit parallels / draw my own lines to color outside, hyphenating eye beams, planks cleverly disguised - bridging duality, Being homogenized. One om with two names, Eaven and Ell, in between them only a perception of the other subconsciously generating distance, haughtily comparing faux-selves. Racing doggedly in oppossing directions around a möbius track, infinite laps, desperately trying to escape the now, this moment where we're at - repeating actions expecting a different recompense - an insane attempt to change the course of events / Chasing a mirage founded in flex, ignorantly concaving to the convex, illusory cheap tricks paying the rent - we've finally started coming abreast /false advertising revealed - repent, titilation falling flaccid upon an uncovered flat chest. RIP respirations away, punctured bullet proof vest, misplaced trust betraying, hope fading from eyes closing for arrest.  Now let me tell you about a guy I've observed for some time, Stan has a story only contextually different from mine - history repeating but we pay it no mind.  A kid taken advantage of, mistreated, abused even catching beatings when trying to follow the rules. Found camaraderie, comfort amongst others just like him, outcasts, misunderstood - they became fast friends. Formed a crew, made plans then collectively stood up, one day resisted the oppression, made the bullies back up.    Caught off guard, some fought back but most fled away, the union of youngsters came out victorious in the fray.  Waving flags made from the Ts ripped off their foes backs, they paraded around the playground, firecrackers punctuating screams of "hit the road jack".  Celebrating over the route didn't last long, when Stan got home that afternoon he could tell something was wrong.  His dad got a new job the family was moving away but he wasn't afraid anymore - something had changed. New school, history repeated but with a slight twist, Stan stood up for another, using his fists, pummeled "some jackass going around grabbing girls tits"  It felt good to be strong, a hero unafraid, receiving adulation, his lens locked into a frame.  Aftermath, rest period, disenchanted lined up, formed a club, wrote a charter, laid down rules, "only bullies get beat up".  "We're the good guys" they chanted flooding their brains with belief, washing with the water of words, sapling neurons quickly grow into trees.   Before ink soaked into parchment or the words even penned, their hearts violated the principles discriminating against sex, culture and skin. But no one ever noticed because the town hadn't diversified, a globe sealed tightly - it's easy to think it's snowing when your on the inside. Stan's now grown up, by his family and friends adored, won't hesitate to defend their honor, jump right into war. "Uncle Stan is the man, kicking ass for the Lord, we always win the fight with minimum casualties to our boys".  But what about the other sons, daughters, and wives on the wrong side - all the "them", many "innocent" losing their lives? "They get what they deserve, don't expect me to cry, if they were like us we'd live in harmony, see eye to eye" . Addicted to justice Stan fights for a cause but he'll never find peace while cleaving the world with his sword.  Earth-lings breath out, evacuate the lungs, exhale your ignorance, exhume what once was. We drink the same water, inhale the same air, the only thing between us - dogmas of error.  Other vs other, south vs south, rise up again, end up fighting the house. Pride propelled repulsion, jettison parts of ourself, ousting corrupt Alphas, the pride falls apart jostling for position to govern itself.  The oppressed become what they hated, thinking they're better than someone else, the mirror reflecting what's inside flipped Z axis of evol out.  Spend time with any creature, you'll find they're not just a thing, but intelligent beings no matter how insignificant they seem.  Experience makes it harder to mistreat something just as conscious as you, a lesson Stan learned in one day that changed his point of view.  A woman with a lifestyle he repudiated, in fact took joy to persecute, dragged him to safety from a fire fight, tenderly dressed his wounds.  "Why are you doing this?" He gasped in disbelief, in an instant questioning everything thing he once believed.  "We are all the same" she said softly wiping away his blood, "I love you" was the last words uttered before covering his body with her own while "friendly fire" blew the building up.


From the moment I popped out, I hatched a plan to go against the flow / at first got dragged along against my will - a slave to my circumstances I supposed.  Juxtaposed, I proposed to learned on my own, dropped out of school - broke all the rules, made the classroom my home.  I don't do show and tell, but I'm didactic with my flows, educating fools every day in these corridors I choose to roam.  Over half my life spent in a fucking shark tank, dark and dank, all the while eschewing jail bait - can't get hooked by these hooker when you understand it's your flesh that's the steaks.  Reeling you in with promises, stars in your eyes, you're caught on a string of imperceptible, invisible lies / claim they'll raise you to the stratosphere, let you touch the sky,  The silver pumpkin seeded clouds alluring, though ultimately a trap. Fight all you want but your stuck running that final lap.  "Want a piece of the pie, go where you're told" - fuck that shit man, I'll chart my own road.  One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish - they've cathfished your ass with these groupers you've been grouped with. Groupon, c'mon, they're perched on a plan, phish all your habits, till you're like guppies eating out of their hand.  Hauled into an atmosphere you can't handle but won't concede, reeling from air too thin to breathe, they watch as you suffocate trying to scream, if you're lucky they'll bash in your brains so you can't feel yourself bleed.  Close the lid on your life, chapter 12, bankrupt and iced. They're selling you off by the gram, now everyone wants a slice. It's a game to these hunters but we running for our lives, crackers use our babies but don't call it genocide,  Delicacy, words indelicately used to white wash, the tragedy of these little red ones happily knocked off, Chased by champagne - consuming the future to numb their gluttonous pain.  Making waves, against the tide, a fugitive for life / the status quo's fucked, stay in one place long enough, a net will gather you up. Interfering with patterns creating something new, following that inner sense, Iike the compass needle is you.  Bouldering, scaling walls, no damn obstacle will defeat me, I'll reach that summit, I'm mountaineering from the ocean - back to my babbling stream.  Gonna blow the full load right in that bed, no catch, just release, energy spent / gently falling asleep, letting go, the mission finally complete / Dropping under the lowest common denominator - LCD, liquid crystal dihydrogen monoxide - I'm talking sea level B— Below middle C, sinking deep, absorbed back into the infinite stream - lucid dreams, universal equilibrium achieved, escaping a form, the end...and scene For my homie: Salmon Grundy, born on a Monday, caught on a Tuesday, filleted on a Wednesday, bought on a Thursday, grilled on a Friday, interred on a Saturday, shit out by some catholic asshole on a Sunday. This is the end of Salmon Grundy

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Heaven Is For Egos

I'm going to cut to the chase here for once: religion is based on the preservation of the ego. I'm probably not the first person to realize this but it split my mind open a little when that thought occurred to me yesterday. I had been having a conversation with a relative about why they would like it better if I was a "Christian" and had asked what was so wrong with me that Jesus was needed to fix. She responded that it was more that she believed in a forever Heaven and wanted to spend it with all of her family and it's sad to think I might not be there.

While I don't believe the same things that she does, I understand her perspective. Discussing this with my partner, she seemed shocked that people really hold onto the concept of heaven. "Yeah, it's basically a scheme where you live this narrow life and most likely suffer in trade for your wildest dreams. Or something like that" I replied. After a pause she mused "it's like they want to have the same life forever". That's when the lightening struck.

"God graciously granted you life" so you feel like it's right to fight for life because "that's what god wants you to do". Essentially it's giving survival instinct a story to feel good about fighting to keep the ego intact. That of course is taken to the max with the idea of Heaven because that's eternal life and you can't get any better than infinity right? So they plod on in the course that feels like they are punishing themselves enough for "God" to approve. Our upbringing determines much of our view of god leading some people to much more extreme interpretations of the "word of god". What does this all have to do with ego?

Ego is the concept of one's self and literally is Latin for "I" - our personality, bodies, family etcetera etcetera. Religion states that we are separated from god and are his creations, each one unique. It's this uniqueness and separateness that empowers belief systems like Christianity. When everything is connected and you believe that consciousness is god, matter, the universe, an illusion as some philosophies teach -then you lose the need for all the things that religion promises. If you are already eternal as conscious energy then there really is no reason to get attached to a form because you are constantly growing and evolving as nature does. The interconnectedness of things also removes the need for strict moral codes because any violence committed is ultimately against ones self. Heaven and the "narrow path that leads to life and few there be that find it" becomes useless with only a shift in perspective to acknowledging that you are not your ego. At that point you don't need to hold onto it because who cares?

What happens when we die? I couldn't tell you for certain nor do I care any more. I told my children this past weekend that I could prove to them with their Bible that an eternal hell is a contradiction because no child should have that shit crammed into their head! If sin is what separates you from "God" and "love covers all sins" according to Proverbs 10:12, then how can any reasonable person argue that hell could be eternally separated from god? It's asinine but it give the ego something to cling to because that's what the ego does - tries to survive usually revved up by the perpetual fear of the unknown.  If your ego is steering the ship and it doesn't feel safe you aren't going to sleep too well until you find something that sets your mind at ease.

I was astonished at how it had been staring me in the face this whole time and I didn't realize it - the difference between religion and spirituality really is ego or no ego.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Election 2016 - Disaster or Opportunity?

Didn't see that coming did you? I have to say on the one hand that I'm rather shocked but on the other, I'd have to have been delusional not to see it coming. I'm talking of course about Donald Trump winning the presidential race in the United States of America last night. Many people in my life, both online and locally, are feeling like the universe is about to close up shop in a really awful display of narcissistic self immolation. I'm only 33 so I certainly don't claim to know everything but having walked in a different world for many years please let me offer some perspective. 

I was raised to be fiscally, politically, religiously and morally "conservative". That view point was accepted pretty much without question until portions of it began to unravel at an astonishing rate in the last few years. If you paint a convincing picture to a child they will believe just about anything until they experience evidence to the contrary. Because most of us live cloistered in a relative social bubble, we don't have experiences that would counter the beliefs programmed in as a children via the segment of society that was our reality. Our lives change but the reality rarely shifts much in nature.

It's about as easy to imagine things you haven't experienced being real as it is to believe that Harry Potter wizard land exists somewhere. However, if you happened to walk into a brick pillar quite by accident and ended up in a magical world, you would have to throw out your previous beliefs immediately or suffer some kind of brain implosion. The insular nature of humanity, us vs them, has kept us, usually through fear, from having experiences that provide a crack in our belief system. A friend sent a story to me the other day about Derek Black, a young man who was raised to be the new head of the White Nationalist movement in America. In the last few years he made a major shift away from his instilled beliefs leading to a public renouncement. While I wasn't raised to be a racist, I was raised to be just as judgemental but in a different way - unambiguous, color blind, sin. Of course the entire liberal ideology and it's consorts were fraught with sin because democrats were hedonists wanting to shake their fist at god and tell him to essentially fuck off. Or so the picture was painted...with a bloody coat hanger.

Derek was sheltered much of his life so when he got out into the real world and met some of the people he had held prejudices against, those prejudices began popping like balloons. Living in Los Angeles for my mid-twenties exposed me to many people I had been taught to judge. What I found was that they accepted me, quirky as I was, way more than anyone I had known in my past world. Around those years I also began listening to several podcasts that gave me a glimpse into social worlds I had never come close to which served to further compromise the foundation of my erroneous beliefs - "this" type of people are evil. The article ended on a conversation between Derek and his father Don, a leader in the white with a capital W, movement. Don is just unable to comprehend the shift in his sons thinking because it seemed so well engrained and makes sense to him. Kind of what it feels like having a conversation with my parents - how did it come to be like this? The key is, we haven't shared the same experiences. 

I give this story of Derek as a parallel to my childhood and the ability to have a radical shift in belief once stepping outside the bubble and can speak with some authority. Having been on a few sides of this humdinger of a fence, I have felt the same things that many are feeling now regarding the fate of the country - but from the other side. When Bill Clinton was running and in office, the steady diet of conservative conversation through Rush Limbaugh and others, made it seem like the world was going to spin off it's axis and be swallowed by a black hole. This of course would be the punishment for all the liberal things "Slick Willy" would legalize like murdering babies in the streets and being forced to go to gay sex clubs (of course I'm exaggerating but only slightly). Even when Barack Obama was running the first time, I was still askance in regards to a liberal agenda and wondered how it was going to harm my future. I still don't trust politicians but my belief in conservatism still was falling apart in 2008 and I was still very anti-liberal. While in California, I accepted government assistance for the first time in my life and began seeing things from yet another perspective.

Maybe it's because most of my adult life was spent hovering around or below the poverty line, but looking back now having opened up more and ceased throwing things out just because of a broad label like "democrat" or "republican", I've found that my life wasn't that much different under any of the Presidents that I can recall. That isn't to say that a president can't make things go down the shitter in lightning speed, but to say that much of the consternation and acrimony is due to rampant fear being generated and amplified by the media. During this election cycle I heard several people posit the idea that Trump was a plant to help give the election to Hillary or that the voting system is rigged in her favor - to which I have to ask, "why isn't she president then?" Is Secretary Clinton squeaky clean? Doubtful but do most people let their imaginations get away with them? Probably. We are so paranoid that we selected someone we didn't feel could be controlled to lead us. Stop and think about that for a minute. 

Our nation needed Bernie Sanders but we got what we deserved instead and while I think it's cause for concern, I don't think it warrants picking out a headstone. We've seen what is out there, the flagrant racism etc, and the only way I see to combat it is to live our truth but as peacefully as possible. I am not saying that we shouldn't stand up for ourselves, but when anger gets involved, it gives the other side something to feed off of like blowing on a fire. Donald Trump as president is four years to say "how can I be the best ambassador of what I feel America is?" It's up to us now. We cannot continue to rely on a few people to care for us or care for us. I have nothing against President Obama, but I want to point out that we have some major things happen and continue to go on under his "watch" like the Flint Water Crisis? Of course we did, because presidents aren't all powerful. Put yourself in their position for a minute and realize what you think being president looks like. It's not pushing buttons on a computer screen with unimpeded power but more like a lot of work and stress. 

This is time for all the millennials nursing their wounds having never had a presidential election go against them, to grow up. Let's all put on our adult pants and accept responsibility for the world we live in. Practice what you preach! What can you do to make a difference? There are a ton of problems that are so entangled I don't know how you would begin to start except doing it the same as untangling a bunch of snarled string. You just start working on a section that interests you and move on to another when that one has been sorted out. If you get some help it can go fairly quickly from a frustrating mess to a nicely ordered bundle. Live the reality you believe every day don't just vote for it once every four years. It's time to get involved with knowledge, love and an open mind. 

Douglas Adams, 
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Friday, November 4, 2016


Simply being, such as when meditating, is what transitions us to the mindset of immortality. It's engaging with a belief that knows no limits and therefore is no longer concerned with the passage of time. What are we worrying about, getting old? Missing opportunities? Failure? 

Infatuation with the "passage of time" is based on a belief in a limited supply. If your money was unlimited how would your purchasing habits change? Would you go buy everything you could right off the bat? Then what? Boredom, depression, attempts to escape life?

Life is a choose your own adventure where we drop into characters from various backgrounds and experience an infinite number of things. When you take away the fear of lack, mentalities shift. Instead of saddling ourselves with things to provide happiness and security - make the most out of our little plot of earth, we can move through life with a purpose - to be present in each moment knowing that there is always enough (provisions, love, happiness, etc) to sustain our journey. With unlimited resources, why not be more generous? More adventurous? 

We consume things - snacks, cigarettes, Facebook, pick your drug, as a distraction from the lulls in our daily experience. In most moments all we need to consume is the air that keeps our body functioning but we hardly pay it any attention because all the worry and insecurity are running amok in our minds. Breathing and giving your attention to what is, is a wonderful way to shift your mind to a new set of beliefs. 


Watching with no hands, not helpless - timeless / grains of sand sans gravity - floating, flowing in endless eternity - focus on breathing, heart still beating / snap ties break, form change, pouring into a new vessel - a vehicle to restrain, contain, leave something temporarily to remain - birth control the flow all commas, no periods - everything gone in the blink of an eye / 13.8 billion years scaled down to a year, we only just arrived - far from having arrived / popped in to trash the planet December 31st, New Years Eve style. 
Time to let go, no restraints on restraint - hands up, hands off / holds barred, no barred holes / get a grip on yourself, choke up - feel something in this moment - awaken to eternity, enlightening yourself - the biggest loser winning, paradigms unwound. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Chicago Cubs FTW

Everyone is buzzing at work today over the Cubs winning the World Series. I don't follow baseball (or any sport really) though I enjoy watching a game from time to time - so I'm not really riding the high many other people have tapped into but I am intrigued. When I was ten, I played baseball for one season and all the teams were named after professional teams. We were the Cubs, we sucked and I was a huge contributing factor. Throughout childhood I did very little sporting related activities and my coordination was like a folk band trying to play with a telegraph machine as their drummer - shit gets confusing. I wore both glasses and a black pirate style eye patch in an attempt to correct my lazy eye and lack of depth perception. Being able to tell how far away something is, is kind of a critical skill required for connecting a bat with a bunch of tightly wound strings covered in leather hurting towards you at frightening speeds. If my memory serves me correctly, I never actually hit the ball the entire season while at bat and only ever made it to a base by getting walked or hit by a pitch. 

Near the end of the season my mother informed me that we weren't going to do any more sports because it took away too much family time. I was disappointed but the whole season had been an exercise in embarrassment not just on the field, but in the dugout as well as I saw just how weird I really was. There didn't seem to be anyway of changing my environment so I resigned myself to the fact that this was just life and at least it saved me from making a fool of myself. 

In 2004 the Red Sox won the world the series after 83 years of disappointment. This also happened to be the year where my life began the slow push that has turned into the momentum which has brought me to the present day. I could go into some kind of astrological, numerological bullshit about how I was born in 1983 but I don't really see what point there is to any of that stuff. What I took away from the Red Sox win was that no "curse" is final - everything is subject to change and any obstacle can be overcome. Now that the Cubs have also triumphed after 108 years of "failure" (someone quit pushing the button, for all you Lost fans ;) the lesson continues. This year has shifted many things for me and this win is only further reinforcement that no matter how dismal things may seem, if you keep moving,  eventually change is experienced. 

The "impossible" inevitably become possible given enough vision and effort in that direction. "Everything in this world is magic except to the magician" - West World. Flying, telecommunications, the internet - all were fantasies not even a few hundred years ago (at least in Western minds) but now they are common place. The beauty of the universe is that as we become magicians and understand what's behind the curtain, we discover that there are an infinite number of curtains to find the break in beyond this current veil. Everything is possible but what's probable is what you believe to be possible. Long losing streaks being broken reminds us that even though we may have "failed" in the past, the present moment is full of innumerable opportunities to create a different future. 

Congrats to the Cubs and all those breaking through the chains to the past. The present and future are only bound to repeat the past as long as you allow what has happened to be the only information you pull from. There is good news though, no matter how stubborn you may be, eventually life does its thing and continues moving on either taking you with it, or leaving you behind. As I was in the jungle contemplating what authority the god in me held, I realized that the only thing bigger than each of us is all of us. We are all connected to everything in some way and this isn't some bullshit hippie babble - this is scientific fact. No place in space is a complete vacuum and even energy that is "contained" still allows minute amounts to propagate into the beyond never completely dying out. Each of us is the god of our own choices keeping in mind that we are only a part of the infinite consciousness that makes up the corporate universe - God.