Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014

This year has flown by but so much has happened to reflect upon. I have learned much about myself and life growing much closer to who I want to be. I'm learning to let go of regrets because you can only do the best you knew how at the time and if you knew better then still let it go because it's over and done. Someone on This American Life said "people who live a life of regrets live a life of pain" which I thought was very true. We don't need to be walking around heaping regrets upon ourselves when we are all still growing and becoming better people. There is enough stuff in the world trying to drag you down that focusing on the positives and your progress is imperative to not being sucked into a pit of despair weighted down with baggage that is only as big as we make it.

Another thing I am learning is that there really isn't a perfect time to start being you and pursuing what you dream about. While you might not be able to launch into exactly what you want to do right away, the little ways you reach out and attempt that vision will begin to clear the path and also sharpen your skills. Some times just dipping your toe in the stream will put you around others who will guide you out deeper. If you want to be creative, then create. I was considering my own writing today and know that while things like my poetry may not be amazing, I'm building a body of work and experience. One day if I begin to write things that are speak to others, then they may still find appreciation for all the work coming up to that point. It seems that once you are successful in an area (particularly art) then a switch flips in peoples heads and they suddenly fawn over what would previously have been considered average or juvenile.

If you are someone who has hidden their true personality from a portion of the world (usually it's your family) then being yourself 100% is a great way to clean up the riff raff in your life. Most people want to ease into it because they are afraid of losing people around them but if you lose them by being yourself, you probably don't need them around to begin with. Those people you are afraid of are only going to stymie your efforts at complete self-actualization.

This probably sounds like you just jumped into some kind of bullshit self enlightenment seminar but it's been working for me and I hope that it is of some use to you, further propelling us next year to more peace and happiness.

Choice, Chance or Fate

She aimed for the apple atop my head 
"Hold still" she breathed, winking as she drew back in the bow
But whether by choice, chance or fate my heart was pierced instead. 
The outline of my former life lay bare, cold, stark upon the floor. 
Her spirit possessed my being animating the limbs, pulsating the heart. 

She would raise me to full stature then let me fall limp and lifeless on the cold stone amidst gales of laughter. 
Time after time till all my bones were broken and even she could make me stand no more. 
There I was left, heart still beating but mine again - her final gift to a broken man. 

Each rush of blood sending waves of pain through my useless body
But most of all the arrow dancing, throbbing with each contraction.
Bones and flesh mended slowly, though her mark could still be seen.

A stranger happened by who otherwise would pass and lifted me up bearing me along
My atrophied arm draped across her shoulder. 
She asked if she might remove the arrow but I hesitated and withdrew. 
That wounding whether by choice, chance or fate was part of me - or so I thought and bore it in my body, my soul. 

Many years passed in the company of the stranger - now my friend, my lover. 
But still the arrow my heart retained. 
Whilst working in the garden one day the archer happened along stopping, watching my labors still afflicted by her torments. 
I met her gaze and inquired - "why?
Why had she treated me so?"

"For sport" she replied then vanished over the hill. 
My fingers closed around the arrows shaft
The memories relieved with each pulse. 
I then wrenched the foul instrument loose
And buried it in the garden. 

Whether her choice of sport was chance or fate, I would no longer be her prey. 
Whatever the cause of her bewitching games
It had led me to that stranger, now my love - no longer needing that arrow - I am complete. 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

No Maps for Christmas

Darkened windows, locked doors,
No tree or gifts - Christmas abandoned
Only candles burning on the table, they're spinning, spinning away. 
Mapping past to present in the lines on her face - tracing my steps into the night.
I do not need a map, I am where I belong. 
Retreat unnecessary, regret spurned. 
I've made it home. 

May Christmas spirit haunt the timbers of your home
Unlock your door, let joy cross the threshold. 
Throw on the lights or keep them low and dance with a new lover. 
The soft glow melting the creases away
Your past can be ignored, when you find happiness in the present. 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

O Holy Night

Driving to my almost-mother-in-laws tonight we were listening to Christmas music when Josh Groban came on the radio singing O Holy Night. The line "in his name all oppression shall cease" struck me like never before. Maybe it's because I had something to do with the creation of Selma arriving in theaters now, or maybe it's just a coincidence, but I thought about all the "good Christian" people who have oppressed so many for their beliefs, skin color, sex of choice, and life choices in general. Regardless of whether you think Jesus was really God or just the parabolic embodiment of good ideals, you would have to agree that those who claim to follow him have seriously fucked up. I bet some of your would be offended by that last sentence but that's my point - it was my choice and doesn't effect you so why care? An individual's level of judgement is proportional to their fear of their own humanity. You think that because you witnessed something you don't want to be a part of you, it's going to somehow contaminate you. Stop being weak - fear isn't holy.

I know fear because I grew up in a culture that was intensely afraid of their humanity but covered it up with rules and judgement. The more you put other people down the safer you feel because you can't be tarnished by the proximity of their embroiling "sins". Oppression is based either in fear or arrogance and the spirit of Christmas is one of humbleness and hope. You don't raise yourself up by putting other people down and standing on their heads or there will be a writing mass just waiting for your to fall so they can devour you. We rise up by being strong ourselves and then lifting the weak on our shoulders till they are capable of standing and doing the same. The world doesn't need judgmental people, it needs strong people.

Wishing you all Christmas filled with love and acceptance for whatever you believe and whatever you are.

Mary Todd

People like to attack things in our culture (like the Kardashians) by complaining about some facet of the atrocity capping it off with "that's what's wrong with the world". Most of the time I agree with them but for once I'd like to point out something that is right in the world - Mary Todd Hairdressing Co in Atlanta, GA. Mary Todd is a small shop located on Carroll St. in the section of Atlanta known as Cabbage Town. As soon as you walk in the door you can tell that you are somewhere unique and awesome. It's not just the decor, or the fact that they sell hand crafted items in the display case at the front or that they offer a beer to sip while you get your hair cut; there's a vibe that I find infectious and inspiring. All the employees have impeccable style which I would dub the perfection of hipsterism. The tailored outfits mixing an older style with new flair speak of individuals who take pride in themselves and what they do. This isn't Supercuts so don't expect to get clipped for $15 but then again - that $15 mentality is what's wrong with America. Americans, by and large, want to save as much money as possible on everything so that they can build up this plastic mansion of shit that might look nice from a distance but on close inspection is severely lacking. I've worked in many "fancy" homes that as a former builder of homes, can tell they are simply polished turds. In the end, we have an illusion that falls down around us so we propel ourselves forward to the next thing instead of enabling true craftsmanship - something that will last, absorbing memories and take on a life of it's own. 

While a hair cut is only temporary, the experience is something you take with you. Going to Mary Todd inspires me to leave the facade of western life behind and instead, pursue a life with my own personal character. You can spend money on "nice things" but I'm not talking about a name brand like Eddie Bauer so you can be a pompous asshole. I'm talking about supporting and becoming part of something almost spiritual - a disregard for all the bullshit constantly forced down our throats by corporations. Our world is fast becoming this streamlined, shiny piece of shit where you are a gear in the money machine. Next time you need a haircut, a meal, a gift etc. find a place like Mary Todd and tell the system to go fuck itself. You'll be glad you did. 

Friday, December 12, 2014

Quantum Beauty

Sunlight peaked through broken blinds
Wrapping her face in warmth
Glinting off her hair like delicate copper strands
Breaths so soft, body so still: she could have been dead
And I thought if death looked like this, I wanted to die.

She was the kind of girl who made you want to leave all behind
To wander the world as vagabonds
Experiencing everything
Running only from the shackles of time. Time, that was quickly slipping away.

Merely knowing she existed gave life new vibrancy;
A palette of colors my brush had never know
The very thought of us, inspiring the best in me.
Her touch gently brushing away sadness; revealing artifacts of my soul buried long ago. 

From time to time necrotic bones of former lovers protruded from their shallow graves
Attempting to haunt this sacred forest.
But they are dead and shall remain interred.
Decaying leaves, layer by year, slowly covering their bony fingers beckoning: return. 

Entangled we became, separate but linked.
Time nor space impeding or dampening
The actions of one reflected in the expression of the other
Matched direction, synchronized velocity
Searching the limits of the universe. 

Eventually we slowed down, time finally grabbed hold
The sunlight once again bathed her face
Caressing wrinkles, reinvigorating dulled copper locks
Breathless, still beautiful...gone
And I thought if death looked like this, I wanted to die. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Mind Fuck

This morning my girlfriend was telling me about Lena Dunham's book where, among other things, she talks about being raped. Apparently she has received  a lot of flak from people for it with some of the reaction claiming the event was her fault. My comment was that no matter what the situation (spouses, partners, one night stands), if someone says "no" or "stop", continuing is wrong and self serving. The premise of rape is wanting what you want regardless of what anyone else does - to feel powerful and satiated. 

The religious culture I grew up in taught that you needed to break your child's will (or spirit) through harsh discipline. As I considered my statement about rape I realized that breaking someone's will is basically a mental rape or if you will, a mind fuck. You are saying to the child "I don't care that you are an individual, you are here to do what I want". I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that many people who grew up this way had parents who were also sexually abbusive. 

Most parents I've seen fall into two camps: they either let their kids run all over them till they've had enough and then explode or they rule with an iron fist to discourage any uprising. Instead of terrorizing children into submission, parents should in a matter of fact manner explain their position and then be willing, if appropriate, to hear their child's feelings (obviously you aren't going to have a debate about why they should get out of the street while a semi is bearing down). Kids need to be taught that they have a voice and be given freedom to make choices. For instance if they don't like what is for dinner, once they've tried a little, let them come up with another healthy option they can make with what's on hand. You are still being firm and holding to some guidelines but are also teaching them to think, cook and prepare them for independence. 

While I think many things in the world are subject to situational ethics, something I am rock solid on is no one deserves to be made an object for someone else's enjoyment against their will. It doesn't matter if people think they are just trying to keep their kids out of trouble. Your offspring will make decisions you consider mistakes at some point and its best to understand that from the get go. Anyone who can't accept that probably had kids because they wanted to feel better about their lives: they needed love, respect, fulfillment etc. Kids are not toys. Kids are meant to be guided not fucked. 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

All I Want For Christmas is A Can Opener

Eating breakfast at catering this morning, it struck me - they cook a lot of fucking eggs every single day. Big whoop I know but wait, it is, because that's what sustains the corporate farms and cruelty to animals most people abhor these days. Our lifestyle is creating the problems that we protest. I read a snapple fact this morning that claims "the can opener was invented 48 years after the can". 48 years! That means it took that long before someone got fed up enough to invent a better way. With the growing population and increase in waste generated by our lifestyle of massive consumption we better not wait 48 years to wake up on some of these issues. I really don't want anything for Christmas this year except a book to learn more about my craft because it's time to start being part of to solution. 

Monday, December 8, 2014

Wind Shake Wind Throw

My grandfather who is passed but still my hero wrote this poem and I wanted to pass it on. He wrote it on a piece of birch bark which adds an extra bit of poetry so I will include a snapshot at the end of the post. 

Wind Shake Wind Throw

We the people stand together,
Stand together in a group;
This it had better be
Else we shall hurt and fall.

Trees, high on a hill, stand
Not alone, else wind shake
Splits their bones and aches within;
To stand alone - to hurt to fall. 

Stand not to stand but to support;
To stand apart yet stand together
The help each gives returns to each
In every windward sway, in every weather

The tree lives for the forest,
The forest sustains the tree. 

Edward S Zelazo


Not Okay

As I'm apt to do, I've been thinking a lot about life and many things have been piling up in my brain. For instance, why do we laugh when kids do something inappropriate? Or accept brashness from an elderly individual? The rest of us caught in the middle are expected to act within a certain set of societal parameters that many times trap us from being healthy. Listening to a veteran from Iraq talk about his experience dealing with the trauma of war and assimilating back into normal life, he said that he had to come to a point where he acknowledged that he wasn't ok and it was okay to not be okay. Admitting you have a problem is scary because it makes others uncomfortable and c'mon, you are an adult - you should have your shit together. 

The human brain is a sophisticated pattern seeking computer driven to find what will bring us peace and comfort. Unfortunately we start receiving input before we have a context built up to make proper sense of that information. This creates scenarios like a woman who carried guilt for 40 years because she thought something she did as a little girl caused her dad to commit suicide. I'm convinced that many people glom onto religion because it provides them with a pacification of their pain where they don't have to admit they have a problem. Just do the right thing and when you die, it will all be better. Almost anytime you confront someone's crutch whether it be religion, OCD, addiction etc they react because you are touching pain they have been suppressing. 

Last week I was discussing the universe (or potential multiverses) and the idea that this is all a simulation (Life is a giant computer designed to determine the meaning of life - 42....) I commented that I hope this isn't all there is regardless of whether it was a simulation or not, to which my co-worker responded "why does there have to be a meaning to life? Why do you need a Heaven?" 

For the record, I don't need a heaven, I just want to have something - a place where my spirit / energy is finally at peace and knows it. I mean when you die, if there's nothing else, I suppose you would technically be at peace but you wouldn't know so it's moot and there's the rub.

My childhood could have been much worse but regardless it left me with deep scars and a wake subsequent choices that I feel everyday. If I knew for a fact there wasn't a cosmic justifying of the balances, I don't think I would get up tomorrow. I've tried to accomplish many things in my life and have had temporary relief but at some point I realize that it's not really filling that need in my heart. 
There's a good chance I will struggle for another 50+ years and never get to that place of feeling like I've overcome. I need to remember my past to feel like I've beaten the monster and that is why I hope - because if I don't beat it in this life, perhaps I will beat it in the next.

For all of us to be healthy as humans, we need to admit when we aren't okay and allow all the negative things we have propped ourselves up with to fall away. We have a perpetuating cycle of broken people making children and then breaking them. This is largely because adults don't admit they have problems. If adults were more honest about their deficiencies it would help to correct many of the inaccurate ideas children form about life and themselves. Admitting you aren't okay doesn't just help you, it can help the future of our species. I know I'm not okay, how about you?

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Answers in the Void

Sometimes it's the dead spots
The neglected information in a story
Sometimes it's just zeroed data
That tells you what you need to know
Sometimes louder than the boldest headline
More forceful than a pundit
Sometimes silence speaks volumes
There are answers in the void

Monday, December 1, 2014

Chasing Dragons

I said there are no dragons
You are chasing what isn't there
But perchance you happened upon one
You surely would not survive
A fools errand of braggadocious purport
She said she did not care
At least she dared to believe
Believe in something different, spectacular
Despite what might become her fate
I do not chase dragons
But assert they be fairytales
I spurn the very thought, deceiving myself
For I fear the scaly creature living in my soul
He's buried in that cavity, tail wrapped round my heart
Puffing little bellows, shaking shackles, wanting out
Unwilling to die, but must not be freed
I do not chase dragons about

She tells me not to fear
She will not leave my side
Maybe together we will coax the beast free
Like a feral cat cajoled to leave its wild ways
But not completely, for predictable creatures bore
We both will find a dragon and listen to it roar

Husks of Men

The glowing furnace casts its orange hue 
As it sinks to find more prey
Fueled by unused potential
Slowly burning away dreams and hopes
Till only husks of men remain

Darkness falls where thoughtful hearts contemplate their fates
How much soul is left before the darkness fills the growing void?
Will we only procreate, providing perpetual fuel?
Offspring doomed, an Ouroboros choking on his tail
More hearts to consume, rendered void, senseless offerings

Does time remain to break free, launch forever into the stars?
Burning out what still is left, shine our own light
Traversing galaxies, accosting the unknown
A blackhole remaining after the last light shudders out
Forever marking the universal canvas, invisible but still a presence
Darkness is inevitable but will not render obscurity
If ever a man can escape the grasp 
From the furnace that only leaves husks of men. 

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Uncomfortable

Have you ever had something make you feel uncomfortable but you can't explain why? Or maybe you think you know the reason - your morals are being trampled on or feelings hurt; but then your morals change, you become enlightened, thicker skinned - yet still you are bothered. Growing up with so much off limits for discussion much less experience, I found myself uncomfortable a lot once confronted with the real world. You would think that after abandoning so much of the baggage of manufactured beliefs that I would now be chill in most any environment or situation. Recently I realized that despite my beliefs about the outside world changing, my beliefs about myself hadn't changed a whole lot. I still run into many uncomfortable situations not because of what I think about life and other people, but because of what I think of myself.

Being uncomfortable is direct product of insecurity and fear. Most of the time we feel awkward because we worry about what other people will think of us. It's natural to desire to be loved but not everyone is going to love you and putting other people's opinions above your own is rather silly. The culture I grew up in taught that if you were confronted with a situation that went against your beliefs, you should make a statement letting everyone else know you were not in agreement. I guess that was their way of diffusing their own tension and fear by fragging the person they were judging with an insecurity grenade. My sister deleted me off her Facebook because she didn't want her friends to think that she endorsed or sanctioned what I talked about.

Horror movies and the news have always been something I avoided because I didn't want to think about the depravity of man especially when it relates to children. This is mainly because my imagination puts me in that situation and runs away into an entire narrative of palpable pain and anger. Subconsciously wanting to avoid that runaway train my brain just says "I don't like horror movies. They make me uncomfortable". We shouldn't constantly pump our heads full of negative thoughts; however, avoiding them because of postulated fear is not healthy. Tiptoeing around topics like they don't exist doesn't change reality. The best thing to do is say "yep, that could happen, hopefully not but I will confront whatever life throws at me." It's the fear of being crushed by an event that paralyzes many. The truth is, you can always go on if you choose to.

Jealously pops up a lot in relationships because one partner or the other "doesn't feel comfortable with certain actions" of the other partner. I never cheated on my ex-wife or came anywhere close but she was so insecure that she wanted me to agree to rules regarding how I would interact with other women. Don't like to hear about your partners past relationships? Probably because you are afraid there is a part of them that still loves the other person. Afraid that they are going to cheat on you just because they are friends with someone attractive? Unless you are a terrifying psychopath, your fear isn't doing anything but driving them away from you.

People make choices everyday. Either they will stay with you or they will go. They will judge your or accept you. Being uncomfortable is a choice in your own head (and heart) related to a need for others approval or quelling your fears. Someone is going to say "well there is just some stuff that is plain wrong. I should feel uncomfortable around it" to which I say "bullshit". If you look in the bible, Jesus wasn't uncomfortable being around whores, thieves, etc because he was the original honey badger - he didn't give a shit what anyone thought but loved people as they were. Jesus didn't allow the judgement of someone else's identity to effect his own and neither should we.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Bullshit Euphemisms

George Carlin hated euphemisms at least as much as I do, if not more, because they undermine honesty. There are numerous cultures in the world where it is unacceptable to talk about certain topics and by default a selection of words are deemed inappropriate. Experts say that communication is the key to healthy relationships and diplomacy and the more a side holds back, the less likely you are to achieve success. 

Life is full of pain and unpleasantries but choosing to act as if they don't exist is naive. It's like having a recurring massive pain on your head but neglecting to inform your doctor during a check up. Ignoring a problem does not make it better but usually ends up making it worse. This is especially damaging for children because despite a parent denying the ugly, it still comes out in some fashion. Children are forming their impression of the world and when they have no explanation for why mommy is being a bitch, there is a good chance that they will appropriate the blame. I've heard many stories of adult children talking to their aged parents who finally break the silence. Understanding the why behind their parents actions can be life changing. 

I am not advocating every exchange be a vulgar, profanity laced diatribe; however, trying to ameliorate life in your mind by placing things off limits does everyone a disservice. Some people call themselves realists but usually that translates to "I don't delude myself but only see the negative" which isn't healthy either. We don't need to be more sensitive as a society, just more honest; accepting the reality of life as inevitable while relishing the gift we have been given. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Ashes

A puff and the ember rises in brilliance
As I watch her pace in the falling night
Gusting winds blow the smoke away
Vanishing like time marked by our age
Memories compressed, years fading to grey
Silently she trods

Back and forth like a caged bear
Pounding out thoughts into the cement
Each footstep takes her away then back again
Our minds both swirling undoubtedly about each other
Visible yet out of reach like light from twinkling stars
I'm only an observer through the listless smoke reminiscent of the war

The cigarette expired, maybe I'll light another
A soldier post battle, surveying the wounded
Each puff holding me in place, locking in the moment
She will not stop moving, fleeing the pain
I stand there waiting, watching 
Hoping for more than memories etched in ashes. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

The Humingbird

A Humingbird hovered outside my window pane 
Trying to reach the flowers in the vase upon the sill she tapped upon the glass
The bright spring morning bringing beauty to my pain
So I offered an invitation and threw open the frame only to scare her off a while
Whence fright abated she returned and entered my domain
Indulging in the nectar then settling on my bed I thought she perhaps might stay if only fresh flowers were kept
Content we stayed for many months in the comfort of my home
Till I thought she might never leave and pass the years together
But fall began and one cool night I shut the window up
Then began the poor little bird to beat about the glass feeling closed in, imprisoned
I did not want to let her fly but feared she might break her neck
So I opened the portal and shed a tear as she flew away
That beautiful creature was never mine and so I let her go. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Grace

This past week I have been struggling with a lot of things in my mind and per my usual MO I analyzed it so hard my brain began to hurt. Unfortunately for all my analyzing I couldn't seem to quiet the demon's screams echoing inside my head and instead just lost a lot of sleep. Hungry and with my head pounding I set out a half hour ago to grab some food from Checkers. Sitting in the parking lot I started thinking how disgusting the food I was shoveling into my face was and it hit me - my problem is that I wasn't being grateful. Instead of focusing on the positive things, I had let negativity take front and center stage which made everything feel like a colossal weight. This set off a chain reaction of fear and self-loathing because I was afraid of anything that might add to the negativity and felt powerless to stop it. Almost immediately when I decided to be grateful for what I had, I could feel an almost immediate change in my body and mind and the weight has lifted considerably. 

A few weeks ago I was with my children and heard one of them say "who's going to pray for the food? (Pause...silence) okay I'll do it" and proceeded to rattle of a thanks that sounded like a preceded message. When they were finished with the obligatory grace I asked if they knew why they pray before meals. Not being in agreement with the religion they are learning but not wanting to directly attack what their mother is teaching them, I chose to handle it outside the religious spectrum. I explained that the whole point of saying "grace" was so that you stop and remember to be grateful otherwise it's a pointless ritual. Regardless of whether there is a god to thank, I think stopping before meals to reflect on gratefulness is a good idea for everyone. Gratefulness is like putting a Black Satin or BS filter rendering the unattractive beautiful again. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Most Important Question

Every time I attempt to psychoanalyze myself it starts with the question "why?". Yes, I am aware of my emotions and behaviors but without sussing out the reason, the observations are somewhat pointless. Most of us are born with an insatiable desire to learn which is why children have an endless stream of whys that usually ends with and adult telling them to quit asking questions or the unfulfilling response of "that's just how it is". Great discoveries have been made because someone asked themself why and searched for an answer. 

What defines a child? Someone who still has physical and mental growth left to do. I believe what keeps us young as full grown humans is keeping that childlike questioning. Many problems in the world like racism, depression etc continue on because people don't ask why they feel the way they do and attempt to change it. Instead they accept things as they are and appear. Everyone should always be growing mentally / spiritually (or whatever term you wish to apply to the ethereal portion of our being) and asking questions is a large part of the key. 

Question everything, observe and analyze. That is the only way you are going to improve your life and the world around you. Why? Because there is still a lot to be discovered in the universe and who better to find the answers than you. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Nothing Is Ever As It Seems

Nothing is ever as it seems
Though appearances may thoroughly deceive
Reflecting what spectrum we shine upon
Perceptions present that for which we long

Nothing is ever as it seems
Just ideals and dreams we make believe
Suspended judgement clouding reasonable disbelief
Desperate for that place to rest upon

Nothing is ever as it seems
What destroys for one purifys another
Outcomes determined by what is inside
A relative tide pulled by gravity of mind

Do not wish for darkness to disilluminate
Or grasp for others lenses
Heave oneself into crashing waves 
Though they terrify with deaths power
What was spurned may be what saves
What was longed for may bring demise
Certainty uncertain till points passed
Nothing is ever as it seems. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

A Storm That Needs A Storm

Weather raging, beating, bashing 
Most run for cover, to safety
Watching with dismay at a deluge of rain
Terrified by bolts of lightening splitting the sky
Howling wind a ghoulish unwanted intruder
Removed from full sensation of nature's inconvenient character
Their lives become more pleasant
Pleased with their resistant shelter
A watcher waits, they do not weather
No need to feel the storm.

But I am not a watcher, I cheerfully weather storms
I long for days of gloomy grey when clouds out pour
Pattering rain drowns out
Gently falling snow absorbs
Cacophonous noises of the world
The final intrudence into my life by the species I abhor
I am alone now embracing the storm
Covered by my jacket but still feeling
Rain drops hit fabric massaging like liquid fingers
Cold wind dragging across my cocooned face
I feel safe while the elements batter upon my form
Something finally holding up for me against a storm

Watchers need not weather
There is no storm that needs a storm
Never needing to escape unpleasantness with similar of the same
I am a weatherer, I'm used to inclemency
With no nurture, I chose nature
Finding haven in a coaxial storm
In my element with the elements
In the midst of the winds, rain and snow
I am safe

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Power Grab

Earlier today I was thinking about posting a question on Facebook "if there was a pill available to give you a random super power but it had a 50% chance of killing you, would you take it?" I've been thinking a lot about wizards because I've been reading the Dresden File books and people with super powers (because of the show in working on) and have day dreamed a little about what it would be like to have some kind of special abilities. Initially I thought I would take the fictitious pill I was positing but after more consideration I'm not so sure. 

See, most of us want control in our lives because we don't want to deal with the bullshit life throws at us and we don't like feeling unsafe. People talk about a level playing field for corporations, the rich etc which in essence is stripping them of  their power. Lack of control is to some extent what makes us human. Those in history who have tried to grasp for control almost always are assholes whether they start that way or become evil. Think about the cops you've run across; most of the obnoxious ones got a badge because they had little man syndrome or something similar and found a way to mitigate that. Power isn't a bad thing - in the proper hands it helps retain order in the world; however, seeking power out is what corrupts us. I'm not opposed to gun ownership but find it distasteful to see people carrying assault rifles through Walmart because all they really are trying to portray is "you can't fuck with us" and posturing is always obnoxious. 

The claim "the love of money is the root of all evil" is in essence "the love of power" because whether it's money, weapons, sex, authority - they all are branches of the same tree. At this point in my life I probably shouldn't take a super power pill if it was an option because wanting power is the first sign you shouldn't have it. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Unintegrated Sir Quits

I'm trying to wade through the evidence falsified / cause skewed facts nearly put me away for life
I thought it was true, entered a nolo plea, put on that jump suit, threw away the keys
Then slowly my sentence struck me as false, I was brainwashed into confinement behind these walls /
I finally escaped after nearly 30 years, but justice feels like it just is another fucked up sphere /
Now a free man, blinking in the sun, pushing away tears, while holding a gun / I might just do it, got nothing to lose except more years of taking abuse

Trying to assimilate to being outside is causing more questions than in the 8x5 / I've lost my bearings, security stripped away, messed up like a Power tripping balls on Sway /
Nothing makes sense to my overloaded senses / I need a Sensei's blade to cut through the tension /
Slice through the wires, sever the plug, my CPU's burning up, over clocked, almost fucked. /
Screw Batman I'm breaking Freeze out of Arkham Asylum / he'll keep me on ice till I debug this problem / Gotta keep cool so the smoke doesn't pop / blast my neurons with lead as liquid copper runs out.

Searching for answers to a question as broad as the lenses for capturing plus size broads / why are we here, just living to pay bills? / That's a shitty fucking reason, I don't want either pill. / Red or blue, both realities sucks, you're either a doped up drone or a tormented fuck. /
I stare into the dark thinking and searching, I'll find another way Morph, were I'm not constantly hurting. /
And I won't do it with morphine, coke, or tramadol, I'd rather shove an ice pick in my eye socket, while taking a shot / blissful ignorance in my glass, labotomys up /

What makes something right if there isn't a god? Can I chop of an arm or a security guard /
shoplift from his store with the severed digits, then beat the wrap and rap about it cause I didn't leave my own prints? / That's fucked up and sick right? but I'm not done cause I'll fuck his girl with his cold stiff thumb till she cums / but I'm not a monster, I'd microwave it first, hit rewarm for a quick 30 second burst / 
then feed her his sausage with a scrambled eggs breakfast / my brain is so scrambled I even stole her a present / a pearl necklace from the store her boyfriend was guarding / we're getting married next week while that dickless, one armed, rent a cop lays dying. 

Does might make right or are we obligated to restrain survival of the fittest like handicaps in a game? / Handicaps and minorities are taking over the world, soon we'll have bathrooms for guys dressed as girls. / we'll cater to everyone while cooking up / a cluster fuck in the kitchen / the lines backed way up / the menu is long enough to tie a noose / I should put my head in now, they've cooked my goose / I'm up to my neck, had it up to here / so fed up with society I'm foie gras schmear

I want answers but Jeeves said to ask Siri who said the mean of life was 42 - "fuck you bitch you hear me?" / Google just gave me some existential wiki, I'm going postal on gmail like Megatron on Witwicki. / There's probably no meaning it's just a cruel game / like burning ants with a magnifier / watching them burst into flame / but I keep on hoping, wishing and intently staring / into the night like an owl / hoping for an answer and someone caring. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's Raining, Shit

They say shit flows down stream / rolls down hill and in my current job there are days I get steam rolled by giant turds. There are about 6 people on higher but different branches that either directly fling poo my way or at someone just above me which of course filters down. Contemplating my position on the totem pole, I thought for a second that I was the last stop or if you will, the shit basin but realized that's only because I refuse to pass it on. Shit stops with whoever decides to stop the momentum. I could take out my stress on other guys in my department or my girlfriend when I get home or kick a dog or something but that's just being a terrible person. You can either let it wash over you and become filth yourself or you can let it bounce off as if you were coated with tephlon. 

Not absorbing the nastiness is tough because everyone wants to be liked and respected however, if you don't let things like work define you, then you have nothing to protect because your identity isn't being assaulted. If someone gets on my case I try to raise an eyebrow like "really dude?" and move on but if they start being abusive then I'll tell them what I think because I don't care if I'm fired. Life isn't worth spending time around assholes all day. My motto is "be the change (or energy) you want in the world". Next time you are feeling the fecal rain just get out an umbrella and don't take it out on someone else. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Stay Golden

Many of my morals and ethics have been under review this year as I've struggled to find a reason for retaining them. In the last few weeks I've also been pondering how my life currently reflects the title of this blog. Many people see my tattoo and ask what it means but I haven't had a succinct answer especially since I'm not doing anything odd like living out of my car at the moment. Maybe I didn't 100% know what it meant but felt something I didn't have words for.  

This past Sunday I heard Robert Frosts' poem Nothing Gold Can Stay for the first time as Ponyboy recites it to Johnny in The Outsiders. When the movie ended I thought about Johnny telling Ponyboy to "stay gold" and realized that that is what running from the status quo is. Life tarnishes us, makes us jaded and we lose the hope and wonder that children have, succumbing to a white washed prison of adult expectations and complications. It's not that I want to be reckless and irresponsible, I just don't want to live with a crushed and depleted soul. If you've read any of my other posts, you know that I can be a bit cynical at times but there is a part of me that is always fighting for hope and positivity. No matter how much shit people give me for what I believe or how beaten down I may get by life, it seems hard coded in me to run, for the gold (if you can pardon the shitty pun). 

Its said that only the good die young. They haven't had time to lose their shine but that doesn't mean that we can't still be good when we are old. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Now when someone asks "what is status quo fugitive?" I am going to reply "it's my version of stay gold". 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Head On: Apply Directly to Your Life

Last Saturday I received a text asking if I wanted to take a job for Monday which was great since I had nothing booked. However the job was in a position I've talked about before that I have found extremely stressful. Unfortunately my weekend was spent wigging out about Monday and on the drive in I had so much anxiety that I considered turning around and going home but stubbornness prevailed. I don't know when I developed this philosophy but at some point in my adult life I decided that if I was stressed out by a job, then there was probably a defect in me that needed to be addressed. Running from the issue never works because it's going to come up at some other point in another job or life in general. Thankfully the day went well and I am now working in the same capacity for the next few months (unless of course I'm fired lol). 

This really successful man wrote in a book how he was taught growing up that you can't be a success until you've been fired at least three times. While I don't completely agree that the actual firing is necessary, the attitude of being okay with it is important. I waited this entire week to post because I was skeptical of my own growth but my girlfriend commented today that I seem way more relaxed and happy. I realized as the week has passed that I have felt like a failure most of my life because I've always believed I was capable of something great but have never come close to even being moderately successful. The thought of failing again, in front of a bunch of people was almost paralyzing but I dont see myself as weak so I decided to act on what I believe and not what I felt. I want to be one of those guys who charges into the face of an oncoming marauding horde armed only with a sharpened stick because fuck it, I might win and if not at least it made for a good story and I didn't get taken out lying down. Kind of a Jack Churchill type of guy 
http://www.badassoftheweek.com/churchill.html. In addition to being more relaxed in general, this job forces me to focus which is hard for my mind that is always going all over the place. In a way it's like meditation. 

If you don't run from your issues but stand and face them, they may crush you for a bit until you learn where they derive their power. They are energized by your hurts and insecurities and when you shut down the generator, you can kick the monsters ass. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Columbusted Day

I peeked at Facebook yesterday and was assaulted by numerous indignant posts about not celebrating Columbus Day because as it turns out, Captain Chris was a horrible person. While I agree that celebrating a degenerate asshole is stupid, people really need to come off it. There are very very few truly good people in the world and even individuals who have done great things for humanity have flaws. We like to select certain portions of someone's life and celebrate it because it encourages us but the fact is almost everyone has had darkness in their lives. Winston Churchill suffered from major depression (and probably other things), Thomas Edison was a thief and an asshole, MLK JR was unfaithful to his wife (as are a lot of men unfortunately) - I could go on forever. Just look at the dude that make the video about Kony, shortly after all the buzz he was arrested for being indecent in public. 

There is a growing trend fueled by sites like upworthy where people are being confronted with perceived injustices and start bandwagonning. That isn't necessarily a bad thing because there is a lot of evil shit in the world but what lasting good are you doing? I'm all for making people's lives better and exposing truth but that doesn't fix the human condition. Nearly every time America has interfered in another countries affairs because we thought we were helping, it ends up backfiring like when we trained and supplied the Taliban with weapons which were then aimed at us. You can't slap band aids on a chest cavity that is split wide open and expect success. 

Is there someone better than Columbus to celebrate? Probably, but part of our problem is that we want heroes when everyone is just human. If you know enough about someone they will disappoint you eventually - some to greater levels than others. Our mindset of how we view humanity needs to change at a fundamental level. The high-horse-self-righteous-bullshit needs to stop because while it's partially well intentioned, it's also just pretentious anger masked as being a decent human. Everyone wants to feel like a good person and like they have overcome their issues but that is accomplished on the inside not through spouting rhetoric. Are we angry about things being forced on us for centuries and people being treated poorly? Sure, but instead of getting indignant about what was done in the past, live the life you believe in now without fanfare. 

I was raised in a homeschool cult and a lot of people I know are holding onto anger and bitterness towards the founder into their adulthood. I don't give two shits about what Bill Gothard because I've moved on. In my opinion, long term anger is symptomatic of hurts that haven't healed. When you heal you are free to simply be what you want life to look like because you are no man's prisoner. Instead of celebrating dead people or people you don't really know, lets celebrate the decent people around us each day. Thank someone who brings joy to your work, school, home and don't wait till they are dead. Tend the garden in your own backyard. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Shifting Gears

I used to think that if you simply worked hard you would get ahead in life but after 15 years of being an employee in various industries I'm realizing that hard work will only get you in the door. A few days ago I was listening to a guy talk about being a child and trying to race against a friend on a ten speed bicycle with his single speed. He said he realized that no matter how hard he pumped he would not be able to catch up with his friend and something clicked in my mind. I've always worked hard but only in a few instance has it been recognized and rewarded to some extent. For the most part, the bosses are just happy that I am making money for them. There's a point where you are so poor that you cannot invest in anything and saving is virtually useless no matter how Clark Howard you get with your life. The stage inbetween poverty and wealth is where it's very important to learn how to shift gears. 

To be successful you need to start off slowly and learn how to handle the speed you are going but also learn when to click to the next gear. A lot of people want to go 0-500 instantly but accelerate too quickly and you will rip your face off. That's what happens to a lot of child stars or people born into wealth - they have no clue how to handle it. If you learn how to shift up, you'll also know how and when to shift back down when a hill comes instead of stalling out and having to walk that bitch up.

I've gotten out of the "so poor I don't have two nickels to rub together" spot and am looking for how and when to click to the next gear. It can be daunting because I may make a mistake but that's part of the learning process and confidence comes with experience. I realized yesterday that a good way to detach myself from a lot of the fear and stress in day to day life is to not let things be my identity that I cannot control. Some of the more difficult people to work for are those whose identity is their job (of course some are just plain assholes). Instead of doing a good job and leaving it at that, they are afraid of mistakes and losing their connection to part of what makes them feel special. When you know how you got to where you are you aren't afraid of not being able to get back there and when your happiness isn't tied to that location then you will enjoy life a lot more. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sexual Advances

It's amazing how information that seems completely inconsequential and well known to most people can be life changing to someone else. For instance if you were raised in this century believing the world is flat and someone mentions in passing the curvature of the earth suddenly causing your mind to explode because you don't need to fear walking close to the edge anymore. I probably shouldn't admit this but I had one of these moments last week when I learned that most people evaluate everyone in their life by whether or not they would have sex with them. Learning that I have been sized up in this way before my personality ever came into play came as a shock especially when I went back through my memories and linked other probable memories that had gone over my head at the time. That knowledge revealed a couple things to me but the most important one is that I have limited my life purely because of what I believed about myself.

One Christmas when I was about 14 a friend of my mother asked what I wanted that year. I replied "nothing" which impressed her because she interpreted that as me being some sort of godly ascetic. The truth was that there were plenty of things I would have loved to receive in nicely wrapped packages however, I knew there was no chance of getting any of them so I developed a forced and misunderstood contentment. The puritanical view of sex and relationships that I grew up with created a similar mindset where I had blinders on towards all the women I met because I was certain women didn't want to have sex with me. Just like the Nerf gun and Nintendo I wanted that Christmas but wouldn't get, I settled for believing I was ok being invisible to women. Now for the record, I'm not ugly but I'm not Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling either so the once or twice that I've known a woman wanted a romp with me was slightly shocking but I dismissed it as "they are batshit crazy and hit on any man".  I wasn't walking around dejected and completely lacking confidence, I just felt like I was trying to play Backgammon while everyone else was playing Checkers.

You can draw many conclusions from this post about my sexual and romantic life which are probably completely erroneous but what you think about that portion of my life is irrelevant. The point I want to make is that we are so limited by our minds and what we believe when opportunity is usually waiting for us to take it home. It's like the stories you hear about orphan kids who get adopted and stuff food in their pockets at dinner because they are afraid it's going to go away or won't join in with the rest of the family having fun because they feel they don't belong

The truth really can set you free.

Friday, October 3, 2014

The Pool

Along a mountain path I climbed surveying the land I inhabited
Littered about were patches bare of vegetation
Except for the carcasses of unfortunate animals 
Victims of an unknown predator
I wondered what could cause such death until I reached the peak
Where sat a crater brimming with a dark and sinister liquid 
Slowly boiling, swirling, the acrid stink of death emanated
Dark as unrefined oil yet smooth and thin as silk
I thought to cast a stone into the heart of the pond
Yet reconsidered for fear of breaking the tension holding the surface together
Every attempt I made to cover over the pit was in vain
No barriers could withstand the acid vapor 
Eventually they would be breached
Collapsing inward overwhelming the pools sides
Rivers of destruction once again flowing like tears down the mountains face
I learned to sit vigilant fending off the crows 
The dark birds liked to drop pebbles in gaining meals left by the overflow
If uncovered and unmolested evaporation slowly reduced the danger
Molecules hand in hand not stretched in effort to keep from spilling over
And as the liquid vanished a form took shape lying at the bottom
Then I knew the crater must be drained no matter what the cost
To lay the soul to proper rest and cause destruction to cease
A channel cut, the river ran down
Down, absorbed by the foothill's soil
Finally empty the crater revealed the body of a child
Abused and slain, thrown away for quite some while
Rotting in that pit, contaminating the rain, poisoning the mountain
Somberly I gather the poor child's frame to carry down the mountain to a proper grave
I did not look close till he lay interred pondering what to words to speak
As my eyes searched his face
What I had not seen before
Was plain as day now
The child was me
I mourned what had been forgotten
I mourned but also rejoiced
The crater was at last clean 

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Pursuing Unknown Expectations

I've journeyed far, over mountains, through deserts
Towards the destination my heart yearned for
A beautiful panorama where I would feel at home
Each landscape on the way ignored,
They were not what I envisioned
When finally I arrived in that promised land
Joy and happiness filled my heart but only for a while
For soon a storm came and battered upon my head
As wind and rain assaulted
This sanctuary now was tarnished 
I drew back up hurling myself after whispers of a better place
Yet time and again my journeys end became only a temporary stop
For nothing I imagined lived up to what I expected them to be
At some time or another they did not shelter from monsters or storms
Exhausted and betrayed I lay down upon the path
Unconcerned by the vultures circling overhead
I considered whether there may yet still be a perfect place out there to find
Slowly I discovered that it was my expectations who betrayed me
The journey was only marginally about my passion for serene beauty
Subconsciously my destinations were synonymous with safety
But nothing is a perfect shield no matter how splended it seems
The best I can do is steel my soul by killing expectations
No longer chasing what cannot be offered
I accepted the inbetween places, wandering now carefree 
I do not hurry, I do not fret over adversity that may come
Destinations will still be chosen but not to fill a need
Each bit along the way now enjoyed
Content with every step
Not seeking what can't be found, I am truly free

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Vanity Affair

There has been a sudden attrition in my postings because a lot has been on my mind and I've been too exhausted to elucidate much of anything. Earlier this week I deleted the Facebook app off my phone because it was becoming a terrible habit and only caused me to be more stirred up with all the bullshit people post. Introspection and self analysis are difficult to perform when you are distracted by a million things around you but as the noise has died down I'm finally finding some clarity.

When I finally got out of my parents house and had freedom I have been driven to accomplish something with my life. Now a decade later, I'm worn out by being rebuffed so many times by the obstacles my childhood created in my path. In a way the adamantium leg shackles have been a blessing in disguise; they have forced me to slow down and analyze the shit out of my goals and their motivations because with everything being such a slog I didn't want to put effort in the wrong direction. All living beings have a hard wired need for safety but as humans our memories, feelings and the concept of the future many times turn into a struggle to feel in control. I'm not a trained psychologist but I've read enough and analyzed myself and others enough to know that most people who have detrimental behaviors are trying to simply calm their brains down and feel safe. 

One major way people find safety is attempting to feel significant in society. I read this article (http://www.hb.org/do-not-be-controlled-by-your-need-to-feel-significant/) yesterday and it resonated with much of what I've been thinking. As I've analyzed many of my desires and pursuits, I've discovered that up till now nearly all of what I strived for was tied to the need to feel safe/in control/significant. Because our world is fucked up, most people are chasing something that eludes them like a mirage. This is where the "all is vanity" phrase from Solomon comes to mind. I always hated hearing that as a child because it was bandied about many times in the context of "worldy pleasures" promoting the idea that you should be of "sober mind" aka a fucking buzzkill. Now I'm seeing it from a different perspective that is helpful and hopeful. 

All pursuits, if done for any reason but pure necessity or simple enjoyment, are vanity. Two people can do the exact same thing but one is doing it for approbation while the other person doesn't give a rats ass who sees or knows. It's not the activity but the motive that is what makes something pointless or vain. Finding that peaceful state of mind in anything other than accepting a few truths is impossible. 

First you have to accept the fact that happiness comes from within and is contingent on nothing but your mental state. 
Second you have to accept that no matter how powerful you become in the world, you will still be out of control of a lot. The only guaranteed things in life you can control is what actions you take and your reactions to others. 
Third you must learn to accept yourself. This is hard if you don't feel safe because subconsciously the two are linked. If you don't trust yourself, it's probably because you don't believe in you or like who you are. Externally you don't trust others either because of bad experiences and / or you don't feel you are worth their love. 

Much of humanity is having a dissatisfying love affair with vanity instead of courting themselves. Yeah I've hung out with some famous, rich, powerful people, I've done some cool things, been some cool places but they mean jackshit in the grand scope of life and happiness. Be passionate, but for yourself. If there was not another soul on the planet what would you do with your life? We don't get much time on earth and it is a tragedy for anyone to spend it investing in a trollop named Vanity.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

On the Edge

Morning breaks upon a form atop narrow precipice
A day spent striving not to fall, not to fail
Beautiful panoramas proffered but ignored
Attempting perfection, pleasures spurned
A prisoner guarded by motionless butterflies
Exhausting effort exerted, stoic stillness
Fear of fluttering wings, consequences unknown
Tired eyes stare, willing minutes to forever pass
Secretly wishing nightfall, for nothing, for peace
However, if dawn returns bringing the same fate round again 
May erstwhile day be remembered
Though the ground seem far away and surrender unconscionable
Flying is only learned by at first letting go and falling. 


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Thanks For the GloMar

A lot has been stirring in my subconscious as I shed more and more of the ideas that I grew up with and also actually get a chance to grow up. My parents expected me to act like an adult but treated me as a child when it came to making decisions for myself. Arrested development makes for some odd and uncomfortable reactions to things as an adult because you never learned how to handle situations properly. Probably the biggest fear I have which creates a constant baseline of anxiety is that I will be abandoned by the people I care about if I do something wrong or, for no reason at all. After a lot of introspection I realized that growing up I believed that if I had refused to obey my parents they would have tried to beat me into submission and if that didn't work they would have kicked me out or signed me away to some fucked up religious organization. I also believed that if I ever did something worthy of legal repricussions (like drugs) they would have called the police to come get me. One day when I was about 10 I had enough of my mom being cruel to me and screamed "I hate you". When my father got home from work that evening he pulled me aside and said "if you ever say that again you can find a different place to live". 

I only have that one concrete incident (and the knowledge that it was okay to stone rebellious children in the bible) I can call back on as a basis for my fear so I have questioned whether I created this anxiety in my own mind. That was further compounded after I shared these feelings with my girlfriend and she said "that's ridiculous. Parents wouldn't do that nor can they legally abandon you". The only way I have been able to calm myself down is to meditate on the idea that I will be okay no matter who I lose in my life. Telling myself "so and so will never abandon you" doesn't help because I know that nothing is guaranteed or completely safe in life. 

If my brain is the origin of this paralysis then why can't I just shake it off? I finally decided it was time to just ask my parents how extreme they would have been. Last night I made the call and posed the question to my mother of how far they would have gone. I understand that it's hard to know exactly what you would have done in a situation years later but basically she GloMar'd me - "I can neither confirm or deny because I'm not there now". I was hoping she would have said "no, we would never have done anything that extreme" but she said "we loved you and would have done whatever we thought was best." 

The conversation left me a bit down because where was I to go from here to get rid of this constant cortisol drip? When I told my girlfriend about my mothers response she became so furious I was a little taken aback. I know my parents aren't evil and tried to do the best they knew how so I just accepted the lack of resolution and figured maybe I was just sensitive and weird in my own way. As we talked about why she was so angry it started dawning on me - when you GloMar, it's as good as saying yes while leaving enough doubt so the onus isn't on you. I have felt extreme anger towards other people's parents where I wanted to beat them to death with my fist for the evil they perpetrated on their children so her anger began making sense. Despite not providing confirmation, my mothers response coupled with my girlfriends anger helped me understand that my fear was real but also that I can now let it go because it's not all in my head. My brain isn't fucked up with some weird misinterpretation of events and there is a very good chance that if I had pushed the limits at all, my fears would have turned to reality under the auspices of my parents genuine yet misguided good intentions. 

Today I feel a whole lot more relaxed because I don't have to fight the doubt and guilt of being tormented by a fear that I may have created. It was real and I can let it go knowing that while nothing is guaranteed, people who aren't fucked up don't just abandon you without good reason. Sometimes no response is all the answer you need so if you have something tormenting you, go ahead and ask questions. As they say, "knowing is half the battle".