Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Prayers

The words of a prayer pass over my lips whispered to a god who might not even exist. I'm rundown, I'm clueless, despondent a mess - can you please just take over my life for a bit. Or take it away, take me off this earth, I've prayed it all before but nothing has worked.

We tell ourselves there's a big man above looking down on us all his eyes filled with love. No one wants to feel small or alone but we're insignificant compared to the infinite unknown. Days come, years go the earth keeps on spinning we're going to keep suffering, going to keep sinning.

My problems are petty, mostly caused by losing control of my heart, I've let down my guard. I quit asking for help a while ago like a homeless man who doesn't beg anymore he just watches people go. He asked for years without reply now sitting alone no pleas not a cry. Random people take pity on him but it's as unexpected as if Metallica released and album of hymns.

Working hard, I'm hoping for the best - but every blue moon I'll pray cause I'm goddamned depressed. Blue like the blood in my veins needing air, I struggle to succeed someone help me out there. It's probably useless green house gas but it helps when I feel knocked down on my ass.  The words of a prayer pass over my lips - whispered to a god who might not even exist.......help.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Big Risks

The last few weeks have been the tumultuous conclusion to a storm that began the beginning of this year. I haven't wanted to talk about it but instead have written a few poems that will probably remain in my draft folder forever. Like the emo person that I can be at times, I figured that I might as well give up since I had lost hope and just keep my head down and push on.

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and immediately click? That happened last week and I feel like I met a partner in crime - someone who wants to run from the status quo as much as I do. On the one hand it's so exciting and overwhelming because I feel like an oddball most of the time so to find a "kindred spirit" was a huge shock to me but it's also scary. People that are constantly moving, growing and changing have the potential to outgrow those around them leaving you in the dust. It reminds me of the quote from Narnia about Aslan not being safe because he is a lion - I feel like a lion who has met another lion. In between the excitement and hope there is great fear that comes but as Petyr Baelish aka Little Finger said in GoT last night "I would risk everything to get what I want". You can't avoid pain in life so you might as well pursue what you want and hope for the best - hope that synchronicity of growth and spirits is perpetually attainable.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Writers Block

I can't write of all the things I want to talk about but these feelings just want to keep coming out.
I can't say 'em cause most folks will think I'm fucked up or strange - "Oh my god I think He should be locked in a cage"
I can't make them stop like a fucking video game where you rip the plug out the wall in a fit of rage. 
They're still pumping through the air - always there - like a verizon cell signal can you hear me here? 

These feelings are bouncing off the walls in my mind, like someone threw a rubber super ball down a mine. 
It's bouncing around knocking shit off the walls, support beams, girders - they're all going to fall. 
Crushing the poor miners digging just to stay alive, they're gonna get washed like a tsunami tide.
Tide in the shit stained laundry of life this tidal wave of words just might be what saves my life.

They won't shut up no matter how much weed, I pump in my lungs like some GTL guede.
Scary and painful these little thought balls are bouncing so much they traveled down to my balls. 
I'm aching all the way from my head to my scrotum - but my legs just feel - fine like nothing was broken. 
I can still run away and struggle and flee or I can stand up and fight, fight till I bleed.

Like a boxer who's bleeding all into his eye but he wins with a knockout jab surprise. His prize is us all his cheering fans - he fights just to please all his fellow man. 
I try to please you guys - I try to fit in, but my horns just keep popping right through my skin. 
I didn't make myself, I didn't have a choice so sometimes your just going to have to hear my voice. I'm screaming, I'm cursing, sometimes drooling,  I need this out of my system like a clogged drain needs rooting.

Don't listen, mock - I don't give a fuck. I'm going to do me - no matter what you clowns throw up. 
I'm an asshole in as whole as I ever want to be - to the point where I don't let people fucking walk on me. 
The earth is big, you can move or comply cause there's plenty of holes I can throw you down till you die. 
The deal is simple you can ignore me or listen - but keep your thoughts to yourself - I won't hear you I'm pissin - all over your grass like a rabid dog,  dogging - you dog, you're not even human you're like a basset kitten - a pussy hound that never gets past the kitchen. 

Cause Chris Hansen is there, he's gonna talk to you then some cops outside the door are going to clobber you. 
You're a fuck up, a sicko, a twisted human - that gets off from causing pain like Kill Bill Uma Thurmin.
I'm not really blocked I was just afraid of you like a child that's afraid to drop his poo
Down the toilet, is where I'm going to put you - shit can this relationship, can I relation ship your shit back to you?
Fuck it, I'm done I've stated my position you can get fucked or be my friend it's a simple decision.

Redemption

We walked into McDonald's a few minutes ago when my 5 year old son asks for a happy meal with a My Little Pony toy. I had a slight twinge of "why don't you want the boy toys?" but instead shrugged and said "sure" deciding to let my son make his own choices and not be embarrassed when I told the clerk "no, he wants the pony". First of all it's ignorant to think that this choice is symptomatic of a sexual orientation or a future as a Brony but I realized that it doesn't matter - if it means something or not, whatever my son turns out to be, I will love him and support him.

I didn't have kids because I wanted to live vicariously through them, they for the most part just happened (along with being a good distraction to my marriage and perennial lack of direction). After being raised as someone's attempted perfect little human grown in an incubator, I know the effect it can have on your psyche. As my kids are getting older I'm seeing that by being a good parent, I'm inadvertently creating an opportunity for personal redemption. Yesterday my 9 year old was sobbing and after patiently coaxing her to talk to me about it she blurted out "I just wish I knew what the purpose of my life is". That may sound insignificant to many people but it felt like someone punched me right in the face.

In the religious circles I came out of, you were raised to believe you had a divine purpose and that if you missed it, god would be disappointed or angry with you not to mention that fact that it would negatively impact the unknown number of people who's lives you were supposed to change. Most of my life I was afraid to make a decision because I thought it might be the wrong one. I was constantly tormented with feeling like a failure and the phrase "only one life will soon be passed. Only what's done for Christ will last". Now that I've seen a different side of things, it's given me wisdom that I can share with my children. In a sense all the shit I have gone through will be of some profit. I'm not going to live my life through my kids, hoping and expecting them to be something specific but my life is finally of some use as I share a different point of view with my children. They may not choose to accept an open mind but even if they don't,  they'll have a daddy that loves them just the same.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Roots

Today I was feeling slightly crazy and not in the unbelievable or busy sense that people use these days but in the literal dictionary definition of the word.  It seems some days that I never make any headway towards being a normal well adjusted person who isn't constantly fucking something up. Eminem said it well "every time I go to get up I just fall in pits, My life's one great big ball of shit". For me and all my friends trying to figure out how to be adults in our 30s after realizing the way we were raised was bullshit, it can be frustrating and feel like running on a treadmill set at full incline. That's where the crazy feeling comes in - maybe I'm permanently broken and can't get past this.

While mulling this over today trying to analyze myself into a better spot it hit me - our growth is like a tree. Some of it is above ground and easy to spot but much of it takes place down below as you put down roots of self discovery and acceptance. Branches and foliage all look nice and are comforting signs but leaves fall off sometimes and you are bare for a season with not much to reassure yourself with. The real sign of how much you've grown is measured when a storm hits and you feel yourself being assaulted but holding fast because of the roots you've sunk deep. This surely isn't an original concept to me but it was the perspective that I needed in the moment. I might be some bizarre looking bonsai tree on the surface but ever day I hold fast I'm becoming more anchored standing out when the storms blow away the feckless.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Bad Decisions

Lately I don't have a clue what's going on in my life. You try to make decisions based off the information you have but many times that data is flawed. As a child I was brainwashed with a very narrow minded, god centered world view with the main mast driving the ship being that this world view was the only right one and all other people were deceived (deception of course being the Devil's principle job). It's sad to look back and see all the people that tried to warn me of stupid things I was doing when I was younger. Unfortunate when you have that mindset the only way to learn that a deeply held belief is wrong is through life experiences proving that belief wrong. Sometimes all you can do is try, fuck up, learn and try some more. To anyone I hurt or offend through my process, I offer a heartfelt apology now. It's never my intent to make a stupid decision or be a dick but sometimes it happens. When I see someone raised similarly I want to warn them but I know it won't do any good. Instead I just try to love them where they are and hope they can see the light before they get too far down a foolish road.

Part Time Assholes

I work with a lot of people who can get rather testy at times having the adjective asshole attached to their persona. My experience is that most people are only assholes part time and in other circumstances are perfectly decent people. While that doesn't excuse childish behavior and poor treatment of others, it's almost just as unfair to allow specific actions to put a filter over the way you view someone. Every day is a new opportunity to remake yourself and hopefully the people around you are trying to reach their acme.

My philosophy is - your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part. I will work hard and bust my ass the same as always but if that doesn't cut it, then find someone else. I'm not your whipping boy. This mentality is helping keep me calm in the face of agitated management as the shit rolls downhill. Someone may treat you poorly but it's also your responsibility to stand up for yourself and not accept that energy. "When you change, it forces others to change how they interact with you".