Friday, May 30, 2014

I Ain't Trying to Rush Nothing...Cause I Ain't Russian

My life has taken some unexpected yet delightful turns recently but it has caused me to think a lot. I have fought my entire life against feeling on the verge of decimation through one bad decision or misjudgment of me by someone else. I wanted to feel like I had a safe place that no matter what happened, I would be okay. While I think it is natural to look for relationships where someone understands you, putting that kind of expectation on another person is dangerous. Obviously people will disappoint you at times (whether intentionally or not) but it comes out of need which is never healthy for any relationship. Fear is the driving force behind needy people and many times haste and poor choices follow getting you into bad situations or pushing good people away. 

In the last couple years I've been accepting that as they say in show biz "the show must go on" and it does. You can get knocked down but unless you are dead, you can pick yourself back up and keep going. We don't need other people to validate us or make us feel safe - that should come from inside ourselves. Instead of rushing to try and feel safe now I'm taking one day at a time knowing that yes, I am vulnerable to hurt, but I will be okay no matter what happens. I ain't trying to rush nothing cause I ain't Russian. отлично чувак


Lurking in the shadows, skulking in corners
Darting out malovently with hammer and chisel
Blows rung steathily not raising alarm
Cracks affected turning to crevices left unattended
A flicking tongue dripping with acid injects its pernicious liquid through the mortar
Walls penetrated dripping onto vulnerable pulsating flesh
The watchmen sleep
The monsters forgotten
Searing pain strikes - adrenaline jerks a terrified sentinel awake 
Panic and mayhem are palpable as the alarm is sounded
Armaments sit prepared but flight appears the only option
Till the inscription on the wall catches a watch man's eye and a bonfire is lit.
Frightful shadows evaporate the nemesis revealed - diminutive and pathetic
"The monsters are only as big as we make them."

Saturday, May 24, 2014

A Summer Vagrant

Crickets chirping, the distant hum of AC units coalesce into a soothing melody.
The cool air subtly caresses bare skin drifting the smoke of a hand rolled cigarette into the night.

A security lamp glows, solitary and warm.
She steps out to see where I am, beautiful - illuminated softly in the shadows.
The shy smile, eyes rolled as I tell her she is beautiful and I wonder what she will become.
So young and full of promise, will she be like me? Or something else entirely?

I don't know if I see myself in her it's almost too soon to tell.
But I know that I love my child no matter what the future holds.
I try to write, she talks to me her words swirl like the air.
I want to capture the moment and hold it for eternity knowing soon it will be gone.

The evening calmly drifs along a vagrant of time
Going where it chooses beholden to no one - insucient and free
We are the audience and the actors in the summer evenings drama with only cigarette butts in our ashtrays and fading memories in our hearts.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

A Little Luck and Lots of Persistence

A couple days ago I started on a project which is something I had dreamed about for years. I've been making in roads in my profession for a while now but this is a new marker of success and payoff. I'm not done moving forward but it's very rewarding to be able to see goals accomplished. 10 years in the making through much disappointment and struggle, there were numerous times I thought I was following a pipe dream. 

Some people give up because they lack the patience and faith in the process. Dreams take focus, determination, hard work and a small amount of luck. I have other aspirations (writing being one of them) so I keep practicing and pursuing knowing that one day they too will come to fruition if I don't stop. Ira Glass, host of one of my favorite podcasts - This American Life, said it succinctly so I won't rehash it again - just read the attached image at the end. 

30 started out not much different from the rest of my life but things have turned around a lot and now that I'm about to be 31, it has become one of the best years of my life. Ya gotta keep your head up - Tupac

Black Holes

I've pictured you from afar
Light years away I've imagined your beauty
We've traversed space towards each other with blistering speed
Finally I saw what I had seen in my minds eye
Our radiation mixed, wavelengths in sync
Drawn together as the galaxies swirl
Stars aligned till parallel
Lines of magnetism converged

The gasses will burn till the flame is quenched
Knowing that as we die your gravity will pull me in
Forever becoming combined as one. 

Monday, May 19, 2014


Held in chains to someone's ideals
An existence of repression
Souls not free
Some fight, some die
Others live, existing, barely alive
Rebelling for freedom like nothing remains to lose
A partial remedy
Illuminating the dark like a half full moon

True freedom beams light like the noonday sun
Fueled by vision, hopes and dreams
Not focused on negligible losses but gains
Martin Luther King Jr believed things could change
The world never the same because of one mans perspective

Today standing on the shoulders of the hopeful, the brave
Taking for granted the immense price paid
Most sit languid, unless without option 
Temporarily invigorated - soon forgotten. 
Rising to the occasion when the tide rises above their heads. 

Never forget the angels among men
The good they created not reacting but acting
Reminding not retaliating
The future not yet born
In the womb each day
Formed by our beliefs
Birthed by our struggles
Raised by our love our dedication
Each day a brother, a sister added
A family of hope
Not orphans in ashes. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Lioness and The Elephant

Rain was pouring down as Stephen parked his truck behind Sláinte. He stared till his vision blurred into the wipers still going back and forth across the windscreen debating whether he really wanted to go have a drink but mostly whether he felt like being around anyone. Sighing he reached for the keys and clicked them backwards. "I guess nothing ventured nothing gained eh?" Steve mumbled to the empty cab his hand resting on the door handle. The door creaked on the old F150 as if in synch with its owners emotional state but Steve quickly dismissed the thought as ridiculous "thinking an inanimate object could possibly show empathy". The last few years had been rough as the divorce process dragged on, the girlfriend he had fallen for didn't work out and every one night stand made him swear he was never going to do it again. His philosophy though was "if you aren't moving forward, you're dying" propelled him on despite the hopelessness he felt towards love. The last one night stand he had, felt like he was fucking his ex-wife if he closed his yes and he was certain that feeling wasn't something he ever wanted to experience again. "You'll just meet her and maybe she'll be a cool person to go to movies with or something". Trying to pump himself up as he sauntered through the rain unconcerned that he was going to enter the bar looking like a disheveled homeless poodle. 

For months Steve's friends had been trying to hook him up with Stephanie but he declined for many reasons the most trivial being her name. "I can't date a girl that has the same name as my sister and is the feminine version of my name. It's just weird" he told his buddy Ron. "Bro if you want to get over it, you can. It's all in your head". "Fuck you" was all he replied with a wan smile. 

Standing in the open doorway of the bar while the bouncer checked his ID, Steve scanned the patrons looking for Stephanie. He had only seen her profile pic on Facebook and since he wasn't that interested, he hadn't bothered to stalk the rest of her profile and was a little unsure whether he would recognize her. "Thanks mate" he said putting the ID back into pocket. "Hey do you recall a Stephanie coming in yet? I don't suppose you look at the names. Sorry". "Actually bro I did see her. Some chicks you gotta try to remember their names when they look like her. Nice job". "Oh we're just..." but he stopped short realizing he didn't need to explain himself to this bouncer. "Thanks" he said stepping through the door. 

If the Irish music was loud outside, it was almost deafening inside and even at 9 there were already numerous inebriated individuals dancing. Steve had always wished he could dance but couldn't seem to break outside of his own self judgement to allow his body to move to the music. It felt like his limbs were frozen in blocks of ice  - immobile, while his heart was pumping with passion and desire. A line dancer broke free from the throng and came towards him her face obscured by the intense back light from the stage. It wasn't till she was a few feet away shouting "Steve?" That he realized it was Stephanie. He blinked several times trying to focus - she was so beautiful, maybe he should have paid more attention to her other pictures. "Hey how are you?" He queried but Stephanie had grabbed his hand and was dragging him to the small dance floor. "I don't really dance" he said when they were finally face to face, then overcome with her beauty and presence he realized that it would be a mistake to disappoint her. "I mean I wish I could, I mean I can try..."  "Shhhh" Stephanie said putting a finger on his lips sending electricity through his body. They began moving to the music Steve still feeling awkward but strangely drawn in wanting to keep going more than he wanted to back away. When they finally tired of dancing, Steve went to grab a couple pints. "I know it's raining but do you want to go outside and talk?" "Sure" Stephanie replied "let's slam these first and then go sit in your car". All the women he had been with in the past were fairly meek expecting him to make all the plans and moves. Stephanie's take charge attitude caught him off guard but instantly knew he liked it. Glasses drained and tab paid, they grinned at each other "I'm sorry I don't have an umbrella. We'll have to run for it". "I don't mind getting rained on, I actually kind of like getting wet" she said with a devilish little grin. "It would be weird to tell her I love walking in the rain too" Steve thought so he simply smiled back and said "let's go". 

They both jumped in the drivers door but Stephanie slid to the opposite side of the bench seat and Stephen wasn't sure if he should give her some space but wanting to show some interest, he positioned himself between the drivers seat and the middle of the bench. Talking with Stephanie was like breathing it was so easy. An hour had gone by and the windows were completely fogged from all the breath expelled in conversing. A spark of hope had begun to burn in the last hour that maybe he would find someone to be in love with one day. If he could have a connection with someone who was almost a complete stranger just two hours ago, maybe, just maybe there was hope. As the hour had passed they both had readjusted themselves and were now only 10 inches apart. "You know I'd love to just live in Europe for several months in out of the way small towns. Making friends with locals and living like they do. That would be awesome." As she said that she leaned over and rested her head on Steve's shoulder and sighed. On a first date he normally wouldn't kiss a girl and was this even a date? He hadn't meant it to be but she was so beautiful and they had so much in common that the urge to kiss her overwhelmed him. "I would love to..." the debate raging in his mind of what to do. "Fuck it" he thought and mid sentence he turned his head bringing his lips to hers. She hesitated for a second then relaxed into it. If there was a spark before, it had become a full fledged flame now both feeling the intensity of two souls connecting. They continued talking and making out for another hour till a cop patrolling the parking lot for drinks stopped and knocked on the fogged window. "Please step out of the vehicle" he said curtly shining a flashlight into the window. Stephanie giggled as they separated and Stephen opened the door. "We're just talking sir. It's too damn loud in there." After a few perfunctory questions the officer was satisfied that they were neither drunk or "engaging in lewd public behavior" and left. It was getting late and Steve had to get up early for work the next day. "Can I see you again soon Stephanie?" He asked staring into her beautiful face not bothered in the slightest saying her name. She smiled and kissed him "definitely. I would like that." 

The next few days were filled with a distracting amount of text messages and a video chat for hours every night. With each conversation it became more and more evident that there was something indescribable but palpable between these two souls - a connection that spanned not only physical and mental attraction but time itself. Every time they talked it felt like they had known each other forever - like their souls had been split apart from one in a past life. A week after the first meeting at Sláinte, Stephanie invited Steve to come hang out at her house. Impulsively she offered  "you can spend the night if you want but it's just cuddling". Afraid of messing up the connection they had established, Steve was completely fine with the stipulation of only cuddling. Sometimes though, your heart overpowers your logic. When they kissed goodnight, the sex that naturally followed was not just sex but the making of love. 

A relationship that started with much skepticism of love and scarred hearts became a life long partnership as Steve and Steph made life and the world their own gigantic adventure. They never got married in a legal sense because why do you need the government to tell you if you should be with someone? Hippies at heart they opted for a beautiful ceremony officiated by a Native American elder that had none of the legal formalities. Forgoing the traditional attire, she wore a floral print dress made of a sheer material that flowed around her as if she was wearing a thousand butterflies - a vision of perfect beauty. Steve wore loose pants  and a thin shirt both made of hemp. The ceremony took place in the middle of the winter in Northern Michigan at 2 am - the aurora borealis lighting up the sky as if the universe was celebrating the rejoining of two halves of one soul. It was an unconventional wedding to be certain but not an incongruity for a couple who's existence was an incongruity to the status quo. Despite the attire and the blistering cold, neither one minded, focused only on each other and the love that they had found. "I promise to always hold you in the highest esteem, to love and respect your spirit. To hold you loosely and let you breathe like a flame, fan you when you are run down and need air. I promise to always be first and foremost your friend and companion through whatever might befall, knowing that I might not always get to be your lover throughout eternity but I'll pursue and try to capture your heart no matter how much mine bleeds". Steve had written his vows down months before but as he said them, his voice quivering with emotion, they felt completely authentic and perfect as if he was promising to wake up tomorrow.  

Years passed as the couple traversed the path of life. It wasn't perfect, nothing is but they embraced the bumps as just part of the journey. Children, cancer, careers, countries explored - all part of the adventure lived by a couple that some would mistake for brother and sister they were so similar but they never paid any mind. Refusing to slow down even in their late 60s, they would work out in the garden all day with the more than occasional love making in between the rows, or the traveling and mountain climbing that challenged some 20 year olds but invigorated them. They were unstoppable. Then on a trip down to Ecuador in a small prop plane to help victims of a mudslide, the aircraft was blown into the side of a mountain killing everyone aboard. 

It is a singular experience to have your consciousness return to you in a state of disorientation and that is what Steve felt after the crash. He couldn't remember where he had been or understand where he was now but it was dark and someone was beating a drum. Days went by (not that he could tell) as he had time to mull over his dark prison. He wasn't afraid but he did feel like something was lost and that feeling wouldn't go evaporate. The next day his mind was overrun by the sensation of being pushed out into the blazing sunlight of the African desert. It's only a rare few that retain a portion of their consciousness but he still had memories faint and fleeting so the adjustment to being reincarnated as an elephant took some adjusting but the distant memories slowly were pushed aside for several years. 

One day in his adolescence, out foraging for food he came upon a lioness basking in the sun. Not being full grown he was slightly wary of the she lion wondering if there were others that were going to circle behind him for a kill. He waited stock still save for his flicking tail and trunk swaying slightly side to side. The lioness raised her head and their eyes met. Suddenly the flood of memories returned and he knew that it was her - his soul mate but why? Why was she not an elephant like him? He slowly approached and nuzzled her with his trunk. She raised her paws and he thought she was going to swipe his trunk away possible even slashing it with her sharp claws but instead her paws wrapped around his trunk in recognition pulling him closer. He trumpeted a combination of joy and intense sadness. 

Nature takes it's course and over the next few seasons both came of age to mate. Never far from her pride, he watched as the males fought over her, one finally mounting her trying to claim her as his own. It was heartbreaking for the elephant but he took solace in knowing that no one could make the lioness theirs unless she wanted them to. Unfortunately the trend of hunting big game resurfaced with the humans and many from her pride were slowly picked off to be mounted on some douchbags wall as they attempted to boost their pathetic egos. Towards the end of summer, the elephant was out patrolling for hunters to trumpet and warn the other wildlife. It was rare that an elephant would be shot because of the firepower required along with the enormous logistical problems of bringing a dead elephant out of the bush. As he walked down the road he heard shots coming from a small stand of trees followed by the screams of a wounded lion. Charging full speed in that direction he came upon his love lying wounded and bleeding as hunters closed in. In a blind fury the elephant trampled several of the hunters crushing them as he ran to his lioness. Kneeling down he cradled her head with his trunk looking into her eyes. Suddenly there were several loud cracks in short succession and he felt warmth running down his side. One last trumpeted cry rang out as he lay down beside the lioness curling her up against him knowing that it would soon be over. But also knowing that there would be something else after the lights went out and he would find her and pursue her once again. 

Monday, May 12, 2014


Sunday I went to a Buddhist temple to meditation for the first time ever. It wasn't the kind where you hum but you simply sit there on a cushion and focus on your breathing clearing your mind. At first it was easy but then I had a song keep trying to play in my head and other thoughts fluttering about. I also had seated myself too close to the edge of the cushion so it was taking far more effort than it should have to retain my posture. I wasn't sure if it was bad form to adjust myself not wanting to distract anyone else so I contemplated those thoughts till I realized that it was killing my meditation and finally reseated myself. We stayed there 45 min and on the trip home I felt like I was looking at the world with a fresh perspective. 

Humans get so bogged down with all the cares and bullshit of life that our minds miss much of what is around is because we automatically filter it out to pay attention to what seems important. Despite it being horrible for me, I think one of the reasons I love smoking is that it has a similar effect as the meditation. I focus only on inhaling and exhaling even if it is only for a few minutes and it relaxes me. 

Breathing is so fundamental to life but we do it without thinking every minute of every day. Meditation is like taking the time to focus the BIOS of your life - a reset when your system memory gets clogged up to begin running smoothly again. I am very much looking forward to making it a practice of my life as I attempt to become a more centered and peaceful part of the universe. (If that doesn't make me sound like a new age hippie, I don't know what will)

Friday, May 9, 2014


I saw this weed growing in the middle of a huge patch of concrete earlier today and it spoke to me - we can do almost anything we want if we have the courage and tenacity. So many people (myself included in the past) make excuses for why they are not pursuing their passions which ultimately boils down to not fully being themselves. Anecdotes abound of people cutting off their own limbs to survive, overcoming extreme poverty to excel and become successful or simply adapting to the cards they were dealt and learn how do something like play a guitar with their feet when they were born without arms. Clearly life isn't the Matrix and we can't defy things like gravity however, almost every obstacle we face is only as strong as we allow it to be. 

It's kind of like being afraid to walk up to a house and ring the doorbell because there are realistic looking statues of lions on either side of the door. While I'm not an advocate for unbridled anarchy, a little rebellion and defiance can be a very good thing. The quote "well behaved women rarely make history" poignantly illustrates my message. Going against the grain is what makes history. The chronicles of our civilization are replete with people who instead of allowing obstacles to overcome them, became a resolute barrier against the tide of normalicy affecting a change in the current of humanity. 

Most humans are feckless trilobites who allow themselves to be washed along with the status quo. Whithout change there is nothing to record and history becomes like walking through a house entirely painted with a bland beige - each room has a different purpose but it all runs together in mind numbing boredom. Stop making excuses and force the tide to bend around you - defy. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Papilio Eros

Bright wings fliting about flower to flower
I fall in love watching, captivated for hours.
I always want to have you close, feelings your wings beating around me
Absorbing the joy - childish, carefree 
But a butterfly can't be held unless pinned down or captured in a jar
Both are cruel devices to keep you from going far.

How do I entice you, make you my own?
Should I become a flower intoxicating and sweet 
That makes you return again and again your soul mine to keep? 
There still will be other flowers though and that would cause me pain. 
Become a fellow butterfly perhaps and play at the same game? 

I cannot go from flower to flower to get my satisfaction, I'd rather starve than be without the one my heart is after. 
To fall in love with a butterfly is both beautiful and scary
What draws me to them is the same thing that might leave me scarred and wary. 

Maybe I'll simply be the air that's always around you,
At least I'll feel you pass through, though your wings cut through me.
I'll know that you are free to fly 
And maybe that will assuage, the pain of having to watch each time you go away. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Blue Fire

Two flames burning orange danced separately and free
When suddenly an unexpected wind blew in pushing them together
They danced around the other admiring  each other's beauty
Suddenly they joined, the orange intertwining fueled by the wind, turning into a bright blue tongue 98% pure. 

Flickering, shimmering, carried about together 
wherever the wind and their souls dictate 
Changing the face of the planet forever. 
Never a blue of sadness but of passion incarnate 
Burning through the years lighting the darkness of eternity.