Sunday, November 30, 2014

Uncomfortable

Have you ever had something make you feel uncomfortable but you can't explain why? Or maybe you think you know the reason - your morals are being trampled on or feelings hurt; but then your morals change, you become enlightened, thicker skinned - yet still you are bothered. Growing up with so much off limits for discussion much less experience, I found myself uncomfortable a lot once confronted with the real world. You would think that after abandoning so much of the baggage of manufactured beliefs that I would now be chill in most any environment or situation. Recently I realized that despite my beliefs about the outside world changing, my beliefs about myself hadn't changed a whole lot. I still run into many uncomfortable situations not because of what I think about life and other people, but because of what I think of myself.

Being uncomfortable is direct product of insecurity and fear. Most of the time we feel awkward because we worry about what other people will think of us. It's natural to desire to be loved but not everyone is going to love you and putting other people's opinions above your own is rather silly. The culture I grew up in taught that if you were confronted with a situation that went against your beliefs, you should make a statement letting everyone else know you were not in agreement. I guess that was their way of diffusing their own tension and fear by fragging the person they were judging with an insecurity grenade. My sister deleted me off her Facebook because she didn't want her friends to think that she endorsed or sanctioned what I talked about.

Horror movies and the news have always been something I avoided because I didn't want to think about the depravity of man especially when it relates to children. This is mainly because my imagination puts me in that situation and runs away into an entire narrative of palpable pain and anger. Subconsciously wanting to avoid that runaway train my brain just says "I don't like horror movies. They make me uncomfortable". We shouldn't constantly pump our heads full of negative thoughts; however, avoiding them because of postulated fear is not healthy. Tiptoeing around topics like they don't exist doesn't change reality. The best thing to do is say "yep, that could happen, hopefully not but I will confront whatever life throws at me." It's the fear of being crushed by an event that paralyzes many. The truth is, you can always go on if you choose to.

Jealously pops up a lot in relationships because one partner or the other "doesn't feel comfortable with certain actions" of the other partner. I never cheated on my ex-wife or came anywhere close but she was so insecure that she wanted me to agree to rules regarding how I would interact with other women. Don't like to hear about your partners past relationships? Probably because you are afraid there is a part of them that still loves the other person. Afraid that they are going to cheat on you just because they are friends with someone attractive? Unless you are a terrifying psychopath, your fear isn't doing anything but driving them away from you.

People make choices everyday. Either they will stay with you or they will go. They will judge your or accept you. Being uncomfortable is a choice in your own head (and heart) related to a need for others approval or quelling your fears. Someone is going to say "well there is just some stuff that is plain wrong. I should feel uncomfortable around it" to which I say "bullshit". If you look in the bible, Jesus wasn't uncomfortable being around whores, thieves, etc because he was the original honey badger - he didn't give a shit what anyone thought but loved people as they were. Jesus didn't allow the judgement of someone else's identity to effect his own and neither should we.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Bullshit Euphemisms

George Carlin hated euphemisms at least as much as I do, if not more, because they undermine honesty. There are numerous cultures in the world where it is unacceptable to talk about certain topics and by default a selection of words are deemed inappropriate. Experts say that communication is the key to healthy relationships and diplomacy and the more a side holds back, the less likely you are to achieve success. 

Life is full of pain and unpleasantries but choosing to act as if they don't exist is naive. It's like having a recurring massive pain on your head but neglecting to inform your doctor during a check up. Ignoring a problem does not make it better but usually ends up making it worse. This is especially damaging for children because despite a parent denying the ugly, it still comes out in some fashion. Children are forming their impression of the world and when they have no explanation for why mommy is being a bitch, there is a good chance that they will appropriate the blame. I've heard many stories of adult children talking to their aged parents who finally break the silence. Understanding the why behind their parents actions can be life changing. 

I am not advocating every exchange be a vulgar, profanity laced diatribe; however, trying to ameliorate life in your mind by placing things off limits does everyone a disservice. Some people call themselves realists but usually that translates to "I don't delude myself but only see the negative" which isn't healthy either. We don't need to be more sensitive as a society, just more honest; accepting the reality of life as inevitable while relishing the gift we have been given. 

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Ashes

A puff and the ember rises in brilliance
As I watch her pace in the falling night
Gusting winds blow the smoke away
Vanishing like time marked by our age
Memories compressed, years fading to grey
Silently she trods

Back and forth like a caged bear
Pounding out thoughts into the cement
Each footstep takes her away then back again
Our minds both swirling undoubtedly about each other
Visible yet out of reach like light from twinkling stars
I'm only an observer through the listless smoke reminiscent of the war

The cigarette expired, maybe I'll light another
A soldier post battle, surveying the wounded
Each puff holding me in place, locking in the moment
She will not stop moving, fleeing the pain
I stand there waiting, watching 
Hoping for more than memories etched in ashes. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

The Humingbird

A Humingbird hovered outside my window pane 
Trying to reach the flowers in the vase upon the sill she tapped upon the glass
The bright spring morning bringing beauty to my pain
So I offered an invitation and threw open the frame only to scare her off a while
Whence fright abated she returned and entered my domain
Indulging in the nectar then settling on my bed I thought she perhaps might stay if only fresh flowers were kept
Content we stayed for many months in the comfort of my home
Till I thought she might never leave and pass the years together
But fall began and one cool night I shut the window up
Then began the poor little bird to beat about the glass feeling closed in, imprisoned
I did not want to let her fly but feared she might break her neck
So I opened the portal and shed a tear as she flew away
That beautiful creature was never mine and so I let her go. 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Grace

This past week I have been struggling with a lot of things in my mind and per my usual MO I analyzed it so hard my brain began to hurt. Unfortunately for all my analyzing I couldn't seem to quiet the demon's screams echoing inside my head and instead just lost a lot of sleep. Hungry and with my head pounding I set out a half hour ago to grab some food from Checkers. Sitting in the parking lot I started thinking how disgusting the food I was shoveling into my face was and it hit me - my problem is that I wasn't being grateful. Instead of focusing on the positive things, I had let negativity take front and center stage which made everything feel like a colossal weight. This set off a chain reaction of fear and self-loathing because I was afraid of anything that might add to the negativity and felt powerless to stop it. Almost immediately when I decided to be grateful for what I had, I could feel an almost immediate change in my body and mind and the weight has lifted considerably. 

A few weeks ago I was with my children and heard one of them say "who's going to pray for the food? (Pause...silence) okay I'll do it" and proceeded to rattle of a thanks that sounded like a preceded message. When they were finished with the obligatory grace I asked if they knew why they pray before meals. Not being in agreement with the religion they are learning but not wanting to directly attack what their mother is teaching them, I chose to handle it outside the religious spectrum. I explained that the whole point of saying "grace" was so that you stop and remember to be grateful otherwise it's a pointless ritual. Regardless of whether there is a god to thank, I think stopping before meals to reflect on gratefulness is a good idea for everyone. Gratefulness is like putting a Black Satin or BS filter rendering the unattractive beautiful again. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Most Important Question

Every time I attempt to psychoanalyze myself it starts with the question "why?". Yes, I am aware of my emotions and behaviors but without sussing out the reason, the observations are somewhat pointless. Most of us are born with an insatiable desire to learn which is why children have an endless stream of whys that usually ends with and adult telling them to quit asking questions or the unfulfilling response of "that's just how it is". Great discoveries have been made because someone asked themself why and searched for an answer. 

What defines a child? Someone who still has physical and mental growth left to do. I believe what keeps us young as full grown humans is keeping that childlike questioning. Many problems in the world like racism, depression etc continue on because people don't ask why they feel the way they do and attempt to change it. Instead they accept things as they are and appear. Everyone should always be growing mentally / spiritually (or whatever term you wish to apply to the ethereal portion of our being) and asking questions is a large part of the key. 

Question everything, observe and analyze. That is the only way you are going to improve your life and the world around you. Why? Because there is still a lot to be discovered in the universe and who better to find the answers than you. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Nothing Is Ever As It Seems

Nothing is ever as it seems
Though appearances may thoroughly deceive
Reflecting what spectrum we shine upon
Perceptions present that for which we long

Nothing is ever as it seems
Just ideals and dreams we make believe
Suspended judgement clouding reasonable disbelief
Desperate for that place to rest upon

Nothing is ever as it seems
What destroys for one purifys another
Outcomes determined by what is inside
A relative tide pulled by gravity of mind

Do not wish for darkness to disilluminate
Or grasp for others lenses
Heave oneself into crashing waves 
Though they terrify with deaths power
What was spurned may be what saves
What was longed for may bring demise
Certainty uncertain till points passed
Nothing is ever as it seems. 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

A Storm That Needs A Storm

Weather raging, beating, bashing 
Most run for cover, to safety
Watching with dismay at a deluge of rain
Terrified by bolts of lightening splitting the sky
Howling wind a ghoulish unwanted intruder
Removed from full sensation of nature's inconvenient character
Their lives become more pleasant
Pleased with their resistant shelter
A watcher waits, they do not weather
No need to feel the storm.

But I am not a watcher, I cheerfully weather storms
I long for days of gloomy grey when clouds out pour
Pattering rain drowns out
Gently falling snow absorbs
Cacophonous noises of the world
The final intrudence into my life by the species I abhor
I am alone now embracing the storm
Covered by my jacket but still feeling
Rain drops hit fabric massaging like liquid fingers
Cold wind dragging across my cocooned face
I feel safe while the elements batter upon my form
Something finally holding up for me against a storm

Watchers need not weather
There is no storm that needs a storm
Never needing to escape unpleasantness with similar of the same
I am a weatherer, I'm used to inclemency
With no nurture, I chose nature
Finding haven in a coaxial storm
In my element with the elements
In the midst of the winds, rain and snow
I am safe