Monday, September 11, 2017

Be Water My Friend

This statement by Bruce Lee, "be water my friend", came across my path about a month ago as a clip in some sort of inspirational montage. I had been puzzling about what the statement meant (as foolish as that might sound to some) at the moment I looked up and saw the photo of Mr. Lee with the quote in the kitchen of our rented flat in Berlin two weeks ago. Freaked me out for a second but water keeps flowing - so I let life move on, meaning I went back to thinking "whoa! That's crazy! What does this mean?" In the midst of my mental analysis I was impressed by the a different type of thought the same way you hear the bass come in on a song, and it was this - being does not involve thinking.

Back stateside work resumed thrusting me into a situation that would challenge me and the concept of being like water. I have been worked by the production / entertainment industry for over seven years and it has illuminated many things. I say "I've been worked by..." because that's what work is - transformation. When you are playing you are creating with the flow of life. Work on the other hand says "this isn't the way I want it to be so I'm making some modifications". We "work a material, the soil, etc" but we "play" a musical instrument. Film production is an amalgamation of many strange, socially awkward people who's daily interactions are like gargling with hydrochloric acid. I'm about as normal as I can get in my reality which means I'm one of those many weirdos trudging around a film set. A saving grace of the industry (for many people) is that every project has an end date giving you the pressure relief valve of "I only have to put up with #jackass for x more days". The second saving grace of the film business and life in general is that every day ends eventually as well. When you are stuck "on set" for a number of hours to be determined by whoever is running the asylum (ultimately the UPM - the individual with a tight grip on the money supply) it can feel a bit like being a well paid prisoner. 
Years ago when I told a sound mixer that I wanted to get into the film business he said I should buy a short book he wrote on the topic. It was called something like "So You Want to Work in the Film Business???" and told me all the things I could understand but not comprehend until I actually experienced it myself. Thinking back on the book during this week of work I had a good laugh at my self - I had been informed but I couldn't grasp what it meant because I had an agenda which skews everything. What was so stressful about this week of work? For starters, I worked for a new department head - one with a resume that includes some of the biggest movies of all time. He's actually a very nice, chill man but the dynamics on the production were rattling everyone and I came in on what was described by one of the core guys as "the most I've ever seen our boss upset". Thankfully there has been no screaming in my department but the air is filled with tension (and atmospheric smoke) so thick you could cut it with a 4 x 4 solid (film joke). Nothing is ever right or fast enough for someone. You are constantly being shushed all day by the PAs (little minions of the AD department) and last but certainly not least, our set was mostly on the top floor of an old house pumped to the gills with so much smoke it looked like a Cypress Hill concert along with about 25 bodies and equipment shoved in whatever nook and cranny we could find. You're tripping over each other all day, going from sweating as all the bodies and lights heat up the space while the AC is off for sound and then back to freezing when they crank it back up during the scene changes / setups. 
Three days in I was ready to quit but had promised my buddy that I would be there for two weeks and didn't want to leave him hanging. Gritting my teeth and reaching for the "only two weeks of this" lever, I was again impressed upon by a different tone of thought reminding that this was how you learn to be water. Serendipitously, on Thursday, youtube suggested a documentary of sorts about water with research into a slew of facts that were mind blowing. For the sake of brevity I'll only touch on one: the ability to concentrate flow velocity in the center of a body (river, stream, creek, etc) by working with the water instead of trying to block it completely with a damn, a sluice, what have you. By creating a path of less resistance you tap the energy of what is already there by strategic placement of your own. Several martial arts disciplines are primarily defensive, that is to say non-aggressive. They teach how you use the energy of what is coming at you to your own advantage. Perhaps this is why Bruce Lee understood water. 
We are born a block of code. A story of who and what we are supposed to be. Life comes rushing along and begins to remove bits of that granite block we consider to be "I" and "Other" mixing them together and carrying it off to be used elsewhere. Flow constantly shapes it's environment - it is the natural impermanence of eternity. An hour before watching the youtube video I had a mental picture of the abrasiveness of life's situations shaping me like the blows from a chisel on a hunk of marble liberating the figure inside. We suffer because we try to hold onto a shape slapping concrete over the chunks being taken off, adding a little barbed wire into it so no one might be foolish enough to try and liberate that part of you again. Time flows through us and our perception of time is a completely relative experience. It only appears to be synchronized because there is a greater system outside of ours which can be referenced and compared. 
You are your awareness not what you are aware of. All the data that enters your sensory organs aka your entire body, is just that data - information. The universe is purely information. Information which is then perceived and judged a certain way by each individual observer. Constant judgement requires an exhausting amount of energy so our brains compress the informational flow in a very binary sense. When something new enters our awareness we devote more focus on it (which equates to perception of time) until a determination is made of safe / unsafe. Once the status quo has been rectified as nothing to worry about the brain powers down a bit and says "same, same, same" to all the information coming in until there is something new. It's very similar to how computers compress information. The proportion to which you are trying to define and control things will determine the latitude of your experience. Think of it like trying to stream video. Decreasing bandwidth begins making the image blotchy because less information can be fit in the pipe per second. Judgement of the present moment is akin to throttling the flow. It causes life to appear to both whiz by retrospectively while you presently feel stuck in never ending misery. 
"Radical Acceptance" of the present moment where you cease to judge things as good or bad can seem counter intuitive. Probably because it is counter intuitive to a majority of the world views. Many people perceive this state of mind as callous, uncaring, insane or potentially frighteningly unexciting. "If you don't have opinions then what's the point of life?" Cats like catnip, dogs fall asleep from it - but I have a feeling that neither of them stay up nights obsessing about it (unless you have an insomniac canine). The only reason we choke the flow of awareness is because we are trying to convince ourselves that we have control. Control is an illusion. We think that because we decide to do something, go to the convenience store for example, our feet carry us there and back with "no event" some how that "I am in control". Obviously this has varying perceived levels with those with the most resources as the ones most in control. I'm laying on my bed typing this as hurricane powered winds threaten to drop limbs on the roof. Nature is a constant reminder that we have no control but we continue to try and defy her to our own perpetual chagrin. 
Instead of fighting what is flowing my motto has become "be as comfortable as possible". Instead of saying "this is a good moment" and "this is a bad moment" you appreciate them all like the notes in a song. No note lasts forever unless you continually replay it in your memory. I've found that when I say "I don't like people" I really mean "I don't like being around people because I don't think I can be myself". Our judgements add weight to either side of our existential teeter totter which we constantly strive to tip at least slightly in the "pleasure" direction. It's the attachment to these weighing stations that is part of the issue but also the placement of your fulcrum. What use is a seesaw that is out of balance? Balance is what allows play to be had. Those people who have understood how to be water are the ones who say that they don't "go to work", they feel like they are playing on a daily basis. 
Be Water My Friends.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Size 12 Intentions

I just returned from a walk with my four legged fur friend. A walk for both exercise and training. She's two years old and smart as a five year old human (at minimum). I taught her how to catch by saying "catch" and throwing a toy to her which she watched approach and bounce off her nose. I picked it up and said "watch me....this is catching....catch" throwing the toy up in the air while saying "catch" and then grabbing it in my mouth. "I sure hope you got that because this toy is dirty! Catch!" I tossed it over and she snatched it out of the air like a pro. Point being is that she's highly capable of learning and seems to enjoy it. What she also enjoys is thinking she's top dog or can at least run with them. This returns us to the walk.

Every topic has a potentially overwhelming number of points of view (especially when you get online) so I in no means claim to know how to best work with canines. One of the first methods I heard for training animals was by some famous Hollywood animal wrangler whose name I cannot remember. His method however, made sense so I have worked in that system. The short version (that I recall) was this: Get the animal to learn to pay attention to you. This requires no strict protocols or complicated routines. Procure a long lead (several meters in length) attach it to a collar that constricts in some way (his belief was that the pinch collar was actually more humane than the choker collar but I digress). Wander around a space large enough that the dog can run well beyond the limits of the lead if detached. Set the pup loose and do your thing. As you both move in varying directions the student begins to learn that it has a limit and then that it is defined by the position of the teacher. Of course this isn't likely completely apparent at first but over a length of time you shorten the lead till it's no longer necessary and they trot along at your heel. This is what my little friend is in the process of learning.

Still being a bright and perky little fur ball, Tesla (that's her name), it's natural for her to be wanting to inspect everything along the way or run off when she see's a cat. That's why we take walks with the lead; so she see what life is all about before taking the restrictions off. It's what childhood is for us - a perspective we then operate on subconsciously. I still haven't talked about the walk really have I? Due to walking with the limits of visibility and unpredictability of drivers on the streets around my home, I opted for a shorter lead. This inclines Tesla to pull ahead right to where it's uncomfortable which is obviously counter productive. I began walking a bit more slowly while making random movements on occasion which seemed to make sense for her since she began hanging back just a bit so she could see what I was doing. There is no need for this to be a vicious process, though it may induce a bit of pain, but pain and pleasure are the programming matrices of life.

[side bar]
Camera dollies are used on a daily basis in the film business to adjust camera height on the fly, create movement - a lot of reasons. Many dolly grips have a monitor which allows them to see exactly what the camera sees but it's amateur hour to rely on one. As my buddy Paul told me when I first pushed a  dolly (not to be confused with A dolly) "if you are making a move with the actor, look at their feet not the monitor. The monitor will fuck you every time". This of course all while smoking a Camel unfiltered cigarette next to the no smoking sign. *hyperbole level 50%.*
Turns out that you don't spend 17 years doing something and not know a thing or two about it: the monitor will, to be blunt, fuck you every time. Even if you look at another part of the actor's body, say the shoulders, you will still be late because their feet have already begun a motion that the rest of the body is catching up with. It would take a frame jarring dose of acceleration at this point to achieve what was intended in the camera rehearsal.
[end ]

What's all this mumbo jumo about dogs, camera dollies and feet? It's simple: whichever way your feet go, you go. In general we would say that is the direction in which we are looking however, this is not always the case. How about when you are startled and your body seems to want to jump in opposing directions and you get tangled up. You can walk or run whilst not looking in front of you but a collision is highly probable. Your feet go where you intend but not necessarily where you are attentive. Vision or "looking" are under the heading called "our attention". I can look at something with my eyes while intently focusing on listening but the image is relatively ignored by my attention because it is on the auditory reception. Until today I haven't thought about my feet a considerable amount because well, I haven't thought about much of my body. Recently, It's started piping up and asking that I treat it with more kindness. The chiropractor told me that I'm a bit of an oxymoron - super flexible but with muscles that seem to be overcompensating for that flexibility by stringing themselves taut like a guitar. A fitting analogy for how I've felt psychically (this is meant as every form of "non-physical" experience).

I've read of a practice that some indigenous tribes perform where a group of people all walk single file attempting to synchronize not only their footsteps but also their breathing. Following someone's footsteps requires a good bit of attention not to mention adding the breathing synchronization. The attention however is set by the intention: to move as one. Purely due to our form, our feet are the first thing to move, short of physical anomaly, so the matter of feet is purely academic. Where is your intention? That's the important question. If your attention and intention are misaligned, you're bound for a run in either with an object or the end of the lead. As I made the random changes in direction on the walk today, weaving around imaginary obstacles, I thought "is this why life takes us on so many whacky journeys? So that we learn to hang back a bit and trot along trusting that the direction the feet are going is cool?" At that point whether a lead was attached or not becomes irrelevant. Trust and control are opposing concepts yet you could say that "constantly being controlled by the universe leads to trusting it".

"Welcome to life! Where are you headed and for how long will you be here? Somewhere and Forever? Fantastic choices. Please step over here to be controlled by immigration. Have wonderful day - and night of course."

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Symbiotic Contradictions

Friday, seven a.m. We are on the train
to Poland and I'm hoping to get some rest. I've been awake since the
morning before – sleep just wouldn't come last night so I lay there
until in the immense silence that is night time in Berlin until the
alarm went off at 5. Sometimes my mind feels like it's connected to
one of those fiber optic lights with all the little strands; however,
imagine that each of these strands is connected to a diversity of
data streams. It makes describing how I arrived at certain points of
pondering rather laborious not to mention potentially taxing to the
patience of any readers. Each stream contributes something to the
synthesis of a vague form, the skeleton if you will, upon which the
rest of the thoughts are fleshed out. The bones of this beast are

So much of what we do in life is in an
attempt to control outcomes, using our intellect to create what we
perceive as the “best case scenario” (BCS). When things aren't in
that “best case” most people look for something or someone to
blame. It's a special sense of pride, subterfuge really, that
constantly blames itself instead of someone else because “at least
I'm not being an asshole to people that don't deserve it.” Of
course turning the venom inward as opposed to outward is only better
for those who perceive an advantage in it. i.e. righteousness, like
everything else is a matter of perception. No matter what the
percentages of blame are that each individual dishes out, some amount
of personal control is perceived to be in their power. How many times
have you been told what you “should do”? Usually it's because
someone has been inconvenienced by your BCS clashing with their BCS.

Without going into the myriad details,
I've felt rather out of control over many things in my environment
recently. The message I was getting through the early morning hours
was this:
Control is an illusion.
There is only what happens and how we
perceive it.
Trying to change what is, is insanity.
You can ride a wave or be swallowed by
Eventually all waves diminish to a
ripple -
until reconstituting into the next

Purchasing tickets to Poland had been a
bit of a magilla (availability of coordinating trips, printer issues
etc) and I questioned whether it was wise to push forward with the
trip. No matter, if it wasn't meant to be, then it wouldn't happen.
The first big variable was making the tram to the train station which
went without a hitch. As we were walking toward Hauptbahnhof (Main
Train Station) my partner, who had been nervous about the moving
pieces, smiled and gave a sigh of relief commenting “everything is
going so well.” “Please” I remarked wryly “I don't need a
running commentary on how the day is going.” “Hey you have your
passport right?” I added as it popped into my mind. She stopped
dead in her tracks “shit! No, I don't” she replied her face
falling. “Well it's too late to go back so we'll just see what
happens” I encouraged and kept walking toward the Bahnhof. There is
no point in being angry, or feeling anything significant emotion in
many situations if you aren't attempting to control.

After checking the platform display, we
proceeded to our train, found our seats and sat down all without
event – the nervousness a complete waste of energy. Right on cue,
the train pulled out of the station and I thought “well, maybe we
will make it after all” and tried to lay my head back for a rest.
Whoever designs headrests for airplanes and trains does not do it
with people of my stature in mind. As I attempted to get somewhat
comfortable without disturbing the apparently very particular older
Polish woman sharing the same booth with us, but finally gave up and
stared out the window. The stream of thoughts from the early hours
continued but now on a different track. My blog popped up and all the
things I tried to puzzle through in the writing of my musings. After
the last four years of slogging through an often circuitous route, I
was struck by the immenseness of how foolish I was. GoT flashed into
my mind and I saw Ygritte admonishing everyone's hero “you know
nothing Jon Snow”. I sure as shit know nothing.

Thirty minutes into the trip the hammer
fell and smashed the plans as my partner is asked for her ticket and
passport by a very polite yet serious German train official. We have
to get off at the border town – Frankfurt (Oder). Ride the wave
I think to myself. The woman sharing our compartment left shortly
after and my partner began to cry blaming herself. We talked through
it and decided that we would just get off and check out Frankfurt
(Oder) and make whatever we could out of it. Poland wasn't going
anywhere. I'll skip ahead and spare you the details but we ended up
being able to visit the Polish border town Slubice by completely
legal means. The rest of the day ended up being a wonderful
experience as we just took one moment at a time and let it assemble
into the uniqueness that was the day called August 25, 2017 on a
planet called Earth (quite possibly only by those living on it,
highly unlikely that's what she calls herself).

it was walking 25km, or maybe it's Maybeline, but I slept last night
quite well. Over a late breakfast of whatever we had rummaging around
in the fridge, I and my female counterpart discussed the illusion of
causality. I brought up how in Vasisthas Yoga it repeatedly talked
about “how the crow alighting on the palm branch and the coconut
falling are not cause and effect”. It seemed like the words of a
madman the first few dozen times I read it but at some point down the
line it began to make sense. We can choose to call things related and
therefore they appear to be so to us but it is just that – an
appearance. She balked at the concept of an unfixed and fluid
reality. We talked about Shaolin monks, Wim Hof and many other things
till I finally stopped and quoted Vasisthas Yoga again “this
appearance is both real and unreal”.

something struck me –
time. Time isn't a real thing
therefore none of this is.
stood up and began pacing. “What is time, but a measurement of
empty space?” “It's a rate of growth” she offered. “True, but
growth in what? Empty space. Without empty space nothing would exist.
(this is well known and cited in many eastern philosophies “the pot
is a lump of clay but for the empty space”) What is empty space?”
She thought about it for a second “nothing.” “Exactly,” I
continued “but nothing is necessary to have something so therefore
it is something in it's nothingness. And this is why there is no
point to figuring out the Universe. It's a contradiction that isn't.
1 without 0 is meaningless, nay non existent - mutually defining
each other.” We stopped and thought about all this for a minute.

know, if the universe is infinite, and the speed of light (or
causality) is relative, that means that infinite variations of speed
are possible allowing for innumerable nested realities. This means
that time is an inescapable phenomenon of consciousness. Any point in
infinity has an infinite latitude on either side of whatever you call
center. It's why some people say that each of us it the center of the
universe. You cannot escape time because without it consciousness
would cease. Time provides a reference frame segmenting empty space
meaningfully.” Satisfied with this, I sat down and finished my
coffee. “That makes sense when you put it that way” my other half
mused. “Ha!” I laughed out loud “you know, this disproves
christianity as a the ultimate truth. A direct quote from the bible
is 'I the Lord never change' and christians are taught that god is
outside of time. Change is an inescapable part of perception, life
and consciousness but most importantly of all – eternity. As life
is meaningless without death, eternity is meaningless without time.
The universe, God if you prefer, doesn't change – in the aspect of
always changing.”

learned many things, but they are only meaningful in the context of
my own personal experience just as paper currency is only meaningful
to those who choose to ascribe it value. I'll leave you with this: W
all the same yet we're different. It's in the sense that we're all
different, that we are the same. Infinite facets of a conscious gem
that can only know itself completely, by interacting with itself for
all eternity. 
...the only control you can have is to stop controlling.....

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Paroxysms of Prayer

...The Paradox

Faith: the complete trust or confidence in something. This is how the dictionary defines the thing that makes the world go round. Everything not directly experienced but that is accepted as true is based on faith. Even the act of doing something repetitively such as sitting down in a chair requires faith. Unless it's a really shabby chair, you will not inspect it for structural integrity. All your past experiences with chairs conglomerate and save you the trouble of checking everything all the time. Imagine how taxing life would be without faith?

Religion (and spirituality in general) recognize the unknowableness of the universe but still try to box it up into a structure of some abstruse god(s). A lot of religion embittered people will vehemently state that religion is just a means of controlling people and making money but it's giving something to the parishioners just like drugs do to an addict. Any attempt to control your senses, environment, inner state etc is just that - control. I think that's possibly what leaves that anger towards religion in people who walk away. The drug quit working for them and they are left with a bleak view of life unless they begin to look inside. 

I've never understood the concept of prayer. If god is all knowing then what is the point of verbalizing your thoughts. In my young mind it seemed akin to pestering an adult about something you had already discussed. Generally consensus, or what was established in my "faith", was that once something was addressed, you left it alone, or didn't bring it up again unless you thought for certain they must have forgotten. God wasn't supposed to have that problem though, forgetfulness, or many other inhibitions that seemed to get in the way of people understanding me so what was the point? 

Faith implies implicit trust, trust requires surrender - it's like a handshake of letting go. People are so stressed out because there's a lot of Mr. Jones' friends out there just looking for something to believe in. Prayer seems like it gives them that but perhaps prayer is the antithesis of faith. It's verbal regurgitation of a codified expression of their faith which is saying - "I believe I know what's best for myself or someone else but lack the power to make it happen. You (insert diety, power, etc) see my heart and if you will for xyz also, please let it be so". That's the gist of it, what I hear anyway.

I've heard for prayer request around disease particularly cancer as long as I can remember but it seems to me that prayer is like a manifestation of mental cancer. Cancerous cells don't want to die and continue to grow when they shouldn't (among other things), but death is a part of life as much as light is meaningless without the dark. Everything has cycles which isn't to say that you give in to cancer or any form of disease, but we all must grow and leave things behind like a tree sprouting from the earth. If prayer isn't an attempt to control then what is it? The only real control you can have is to be as present in this moment as possible. If you really trust in a god that has your best interest at heart, then all you should have to do is live as you and accept what comes. We, in our own minds, select whether something is good or bad. Sure it's based on a list of reasoning so long and probably convoluted to ensure our own self righteous position, but the fact still remains, whether through prayer or in our thoughts, we are in the drivers seat making the judgements - being our own gods. 

I quit praying a long time ago and have come to enjoy listening. Even in the biggest racket a quiet can be found while conversely, immense silence can let you hear subtleties like your own heart beat. We are so full of contradictions in our culture and too proud or afraid to admit it because then what are you left with? Where does the power to make change come from without some supernatural god? There's no such thing as supernatural, only what you believe to be and what you may experience that contradicts your previous beliefs. What is, is what is - meaning if it exists then it is just part of nature we do not understand. One man's science is to another man magic. The only thing separating the illusionist from the audience member is knowledge and position relative to each other. 

If you feel the need to pray - I highly recommend trying this out instead Vice - Wim Hof, the Ice Man. The moment to take control is now and that requires letting go. You can't take more air in if you try to hold on to what you have but it's always going to dissipate so why try to hold on? You don't need to smoke something to give yourself a reason to consciously control resperation for your well being. Happy breathing. 

Friday, June 16, 2017

On The Hill

A few days "on the hill" without food and in some cases, water, doing nothing but sitting there appears to be a common practice among many indigenous peoples. Reasons why I decide to give it a shot are unimportant, it's what I experienced that was fascinating. 

Dietas done in South America (to the best of my knowledge) provide some food for the seven days (or however long you do) but they are unseasoned items like boiled potatoes, rice, boiled green plantains etc. Not appetizing even when you're stomach is growling. You are instructed to read, if you would like, for no more than an hour a day, write as much as you want -- otherwise, you are to just sit there. 

My camp was the last stop on a dirt road, five miles in, running through a national forest. It had a creek running by it and seemed to be a long way from anyone else - pretty much all I wanted. After the brief setting up of the hammock tent there wasn't much else to do so I created something to do - build a fire using the flint stick I purchased at REI a few days before. I quickly learned that making a fire with just about anything is easier than shooting a spray of sparks onto what you thought was dry tinder only to have it smoke languidly. Eventually I went to the Bic lighter and had a roaring fire going which I proceeded to sit by for most of the rest of that day and tend. 

Through the following two days and three nights, I realized why you are supposed to eat nothing and do nothing in these rituals. Eating generally requires you doing something to prepare or in exchange for the vittles which is probably why they bring the food to your tambo during dietas. A fire provides warmth, comfort and in a way it's another presence that helps you not feel alone because it requires your assistance to remain alive. All the things I found myself doing were subconscious ways of trying to distract me, to keep me from stillness.

On the last full day I decided to not build a fire, read at all or contemplate anything too much - simply just be there. Granted I wasn't in any sort of extreme weather requiring excessive thermal protection, but what struck me was how little it really takes to survive. Not eating for three days wasn't pleasant but it really wasn't that bad. Periodically food would pop into my mind I began to see how much of our time is spent either consuming or preparing to consuming (cooking, shopping, driving -- and of course working to pay for it all). Doing nothing was the hardest part or the experience. Relaxing should be easy but why couldn't I? We are continually looking away from our own reflection, unwilling to look it in the eye because it in essence is asking "why? Why are you continuing to lie to yourself, to be miserable?" Deep down I think everyone knows they are responsible for their own fate yet many feel impotent seeing no way out of "hell" and consequently consume while pointing fingers at something or someone. 

Food is comforting because it generally is associated with safety but have you ever seen a fearful person who feels safe enough? When do you have enough guns, money, sex? It's never enough because enough is a state of mind that cannot be conquered through greater and greater quantities of anything. There only is what is and how we each choose to interpret it. We've bought a lie that there is one right way to be and someone else can tell us what that is. Who is it that is choosing to follow that someone else? Most people want to be told what to do and be kept comfortable instead of facing the reflection in the mirror because the real question behind all the other bullshit is "who are you?" or "what do you want?" It seems like an easy question to answer but how much of what you would list is situational based? If the world ceased to be as it is now then what would be the point of your life, your desires? What would you do? Who would you be? It's a question that can never be completely answered but instead is discovered moment by moment as you experience it by allowing false beliefs to perish and the unknown to blossom.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017


Convince an individual that immortality awaits them,
after the body enclosing that spirit dies.

Eternal Torment,
or Eternal Bliss....
Separated by a chasm terribly vast;
defying any attempt to transverse.
Impregnable Permanency.

What reasonable person chooses eternal torment in an inescapable prison?
Particularly when mansions and gold or 72 virgins are on the table?

Zealots are grown in the same bullshit as everyone else; however, they believe themselves to be separate from the shit (or at least have the opportunity to be if only they do xyz). 

Pascal's wager is a logic based response to the fear generated by belief in existence being ray based - a vector with a start point and no end or return to its source.
Religion teaches one direction, two destinations.

Birth is a lie we believe to forget our immortality. 

Ray based eternity assumes that matter can be created,
just not destroyed.
Can god make a rock to big to lift? 

Annihilation assumes that matter can both be created out of nothing and destroyed.
Otherwise it assumes that consciousness is nothing more than magic. Science being magic only to those lacking understanding.

Nothing truly is real or unreal. Moments are the ever persistent illusion of consciousness being aware of something outside the reference frame of self.

"Please hang up and try your call again. If you need assistance dial the operator.
This is a recording..." 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Nothing Lasts

Nothing lasts.

That moment - the one that keeps evaporating with each new line:

Lost forever, saved only by a memory - though not preserved. 

Records nuanced, personally autographed. 

Reliving fiction.

Fixated on what never was,

But for a speck of imagined time. 

Change recalcitrant, 

flaunting it's power; 


balanced by Nothing.

Nothing lasts. 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Echoes in the Darkness

Trust in God,
Not in Man.

Perhaps I'm confused... 
I'm a man, should I not trust myself?

Above all:
Never Trust Yourself!

Why, then should I trust you,
over myself?

Expired credentials -
Usurped authority.

Threats veiled thinly,
Benevolence skinned,
donned as a disguise:
Present existence
offered as proof.
Perfunctory deigning,
Soul sleight of hand:
Who's best double-cross.

Form precedes message,
Wakes emanate:
Buffeting against soul.
Until transparent -
The truth contained,
in every lie.

Trust only in what endures:
yet Something -
Echoes in the darkness.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017


I locked my side door this morning when I went to take a shower telling myself "I'm not paranoid, I just wouldn't want my dog to get out if someone opened the door trying to break in..." okay so I don't want my shit to get stolen as well if I'm being honest, but really - I'm not that attached to any material objects, it's mostly about the dog... a break in the observation of thought and then it hit me, I (and most of humanity) do not like sudden change. We want to slowly wade into the pool to acclimate instead of getting thrown in. Even slight changes in "one small area of life" have ripple effect into the rest of life and the universe. What you choose to focus on defines what you see - no brainer; however, most people don't realize that that applies to every action and choice they make whereby a different object of vision inherently brings about shifts in everything. 

This leads back to the main goal of many humans: maintain the status quo. Keeping things the way they are is perceived as imperative to avoiding pain and suffering because we allow external things to define us as something quite set in stone. It's like our ego is a Jenga tower comprised of many things and relationships stacked upon each other, precariously balanced on the sole block at the bottom - your unwitting awareness. Each of the unexpected things that knock down our towers are Life shaking you awake to the reality - what and who you have believed yourself and life to be are all superfluous. 

Losing is necessary for winning and both are matters of perspective. When you go with the flow, there is no losing or winning; only a permanent state of transfer. Being stripped of the illusory blanket of story you have wrapped yourself in, that list of set pieces and supporting actors you felt defined by - brings an awareness of your own awareness. No matter what happens and changes around you, you are still there, at the center. Accept this grounding awareness and you experience the river flowing around you, which also implies through you as you offer no resistance. A constant state of flow where there is no gain or loss simply experience of the ever present Now. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

What's Going On

I haven't written much on here in quite a while for several reasons: the biggest two being, 1. The app I used to post quit functioning and I rarely am at a computer 2. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. Not having anything to say does not equate to nothing going on in my life: quite the contrary. There has been so much swirling around my psyche it has been difficult to nail anything down that is worth spending the time to write about. The more I read, ponder and experience, what I thought was important or "truth" seems less so. I can write passionately about something and then realize sometimes only hours later that I really didn't need to feel so passionate about whatever it was. In the grand scheme of things it all is "vanity" and the best thing you can do is to enjoy whatever it is that you do.  I've been asking myself "why do I do _____ ?" You can fill in the blank with anything and if you stop and are honest with yourself, you come to realize that most of what you do arises from environmentally programmed behavior. Children ask "why?" constantly until they are told enough times to shut up or are given the "it's just how it is" answer. I'm convinced most adults become exasperated by incessant questions because they don't know the why for many things and they don't want to admit that to anyone. So we continue to repeat the same cycle over and over again because changing things seems difficult. For instance we still use QWERTY keyboards when it's proven to not be the most efficient letter setup. Human society is rife with outdated ways of doing things because we are so attached to the way things are and lack the imagination that would propel us to make things better - that or we're just plain lazy.  The "advanced" civilizations of our modern age tend to look at the earth and all non-human life as something separate - a commodity to be used for whatever purpose desired. Watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes this past weekend I was struck by the scene where James Franco's character is telling Caesar "you know what they [the now super intelligent apes] are capable of". They're capable of the same things that humans are which is what causes the fear and attempts to remain on top of the food chain.  What if the earth and everything in it were all organisms in a greater entity? There are millions of bacteria in our bodies that are alive and most likely conscious to some extent. The only reason we think we are different than them is just that - we think we are. Adults persist in asking children "what do you want to be when you grow up?" as if they aren't something already. You don't have to "be anything" because you already are. The idea that we have to grow up, find a niche and then stay that way more or less till we die is existential poison. Everything can change in an instant yet it rarely does because we are afraid of the unknown. I havent posted much because the more I learn, the less I really have to say. We over complicate life in an attempt to justify our beliefs and ways of life when at the root of everything is incomprehensible simplicity.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bully Pulpit

I'm like a preacher against the political, but mr. president don't take my shit literal, I rap rhymes in parables, spit from my bully pulpit parallels / draw my own lines to color outside, hyphenating eye beams, planks cleverly disguised - bridging duality, Being homogenized. One om with two names, Eaven and Ell, in between them only a perception of the other subconsciously generating distance, haughtily comparing faux-selves. Racing doggedly in oppossing directions around a möbius track, infinite laps, desperately trying to escape the now, this moment where we're at - repeating actions expecting a different recompense - an insane attempt to change the course of events / Chasing a mirage founded in flex, ignorantly concaving to the convex, illusory cheap tricks paying the rent - we've finally started coming abreast /false advertising revealed - repent, titilation falling flaccid upon an uncovered flat chest. RIP respirations away, punctured bullet proof vest, misplaced trust betraying, hope fading from eyes closing for arrest.  Now let me tell you about a guy I've observed for some time, Stan has a story only contextually different from mine - history repeating but we pay it no mind.  A kid taken advantage of, mistreated, abused even catching beatings when trying to follow the rules. Found camaraderie, comfort amongst others just like him, outcasts, misunderstood - they became fast friends. Formed a crew, made plans then collectively stood up, one day resisted the oppression, made the bullies back up.    Caught off guard, some fought back but most fled away, the union of youngsters came out victorious in the fray.  Waving flags made from the Ts ripped off their foes backs, they paraded around the playground, firecrackers punctuating screams of "hit the road jack".  Celebrating over the route didn't last long, when Stan got home that afternoon he could tell something was wrong.  His dad got a new job the family was moving away but he wasn't afraid anymore - something had changed. New school, history repeated but with a slight twist, Stan stood up for another, using his fists, pummeled "some jackass going around grabbing girls tits"  It felt good to be strong, a hero unafraid, receiving adulation, his lens locked into a frame.  Aftermath, rest period, disenchanted lined up, formed a club, wrote a charter, laid down rules, "only bullies get beat up".  "We're the good guys" they chanted flooding their brains with belief, washing with the water of words, sapling neurons quickly grow into trees.   Before ink soaked into parchment or the words even penned, their hearts violated the principles discriminating against sex, culture and skin. But no one ever noticed because the town hadn't diversified, a globe sealed tightly - it's easy to think it's snowing when your on the inside. Stan's now grown up, by his family and friends adored, won't hesitate to defend their honor, jump right into war. "Uncle Stan is the man, kicking ass for the Lord, we always win the fight with minimum casualties to our boys".  But what about the other sons, daughters, and wives on the wrong side - all the "them", many "innocent" losing their lives? "They get what they deserve, don't expect me to cry, if they were like us we'd live in harmony, see eye to eye" . Addicted to justice Stan fights for a cause but he'll never find peace while cleaving the world with his sword.  Earth-lings breath out, evacuate the lungs, exhale your ignorance, exhume what once was. We drink the same water, inhale the same air, the only thing between us - dogmas of error.  Other vs other, south vs south, rise up again, end up fighting the house. Pride propelled repulsion, jettison parts of ourself, ousting corrupt Alphas, the pride falls apart jostling for position to govern itself.  The oppressed become what they hated, thinking they're better than someone else, the mirror reflecting what's inside flipped Z axis of evol out.  Spend time with any creature, you'll find they're not just a thing, but intelligent beings no matter how insignificant they seem.  Experience makes it harder to mistreat something just as conscious as you, a lesson Stan learned in one day that changed his point of view.  A woman with a lifestyle he repudiated, in fact took joy to persecute, dragged him to safety from a fire fight, tenderly dressed his wounds.  "Why are you doing this?" He gasped in disbelief, in an instant questioning everything thing he once believed.  "We are all the same" she said softly wiping away his blood, "I love you" was the last words uttered before covering his body with her own while "friendly fire" blew the building up.


From the moment I popped out, I hatched a plan to go against the flow / at first got dragged along against my will - a slave to my circumstances I supposed.  Juxtaposed, I proposed to learned on my own, dropped out of school - broke all the rules, made the classroom my home.  I don't do show and tell, but I'm didactic with my flows, educating fools every day in these corridors I choose to roam.  Over half my life spent in a fucking shark tank, dark and dank, all the while eschewing jail bait - can't get hooked by these hooker when you understand it's your flesh that's the steaks.  Reeling you in with promises, stars in your eyes, you're caught on a string of imperceptible, invisible lies / claim they'll raise you to the stratosphere, let you touch the sky.

The silver pumpkin seeded clouds alluring, though ultimately a trap. Fight all you want but your stuck running that final lap. 

"Want a piece of the pie, go where you're told" - fuck that shit man, I'll chart my own road.  One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish - they've cathfished your ass with these groupers you've been grouped with. Groupon, c'mon, they're perched on a plan, phish all your habits, till you're like guppies eating out of their hand. 

Hauled into an atmosphere you can't handle but won't concede, reeling from air too thin to breathe, they watch as you suffocate trying to scream, if you're lucky they'll bash in your brains so you can't feel yourself bleed.  Close the lid on your life, chapter 12, bankrupt and iced.

They're selling you off by the gram, now everyone wants a slice. It's a game to these hunters but we running for our lives, crackers use our babies but don't call it genocide.
Delicacy, words indelicately used to white wash, the tragedy of these little red ones happily knocked off, Chased by champagne - consuming the future to numb their gluttonous pain. 

I'm making waves, against the tide, a fugitive for life / the status quo's fucked, stay in one place long enough, the dragnet will gather you up. Interfering with patterns creating something new, following that inner sense, like the compass needle is you.  Bouldering, scaling walls, no damn obstacle will defeat me, I'll reach that summit, I'm mountaineering, from the ocean - back to my babbling stream.

Gonna blow the full load right in that bed, no catch, just release, energy spent / gently falling asleep, letting go, mission finally complete / Dropping under the lowest common denominator - LCD, liquid crystal dihydrogen monoxide - I'm talking sea level B— Below middle C, sinking deep, absorbed back into the infinite stream - lucid dreams, universal equilibrium achieved, escaping a form, the end...and scene.

For my homie: Salmon Grundy, born on a Monday, caught on a Tuesday, filleted on a Wednesday, bought on a Thursday, grilled on a Friday, interred on a Saturday, shit out by some catholic asshole on a Sunday. This is the end of Salmon Grundy