Saturday, May 5, 2018

Sadomasochistic Seekers

I've spent most of my life seeking and consequently most of my life rather unhappy. Seeking is proportional to madness because it is predicated on a lie - there is something I'm lacking. "Enlightenment" is seen by many as the righteous opposite to seeking the external aka materialism and is therefore a "better way". However, from my experience (key word "my"), most people seeking internally are as miserable as those seeking fulfillment externally but they boost their ego by thinking "at least I'm trying to do the right thing". When I say "they" I include myself in that because I have had those thoughts.

I was fed up with my career and society as a whole so the end of last year I told everyone I was done with the film business. I wanted to do something that "mattered". This February  I found myself back in the Peruvian jungle. My intention was to get involved with permaculture work in the jungle and hopefully that would somehow open some doors. "At least I'll be helping the planet" I thought self righteously. Sitting chatting on the day I arrived with the friends I would be helping out, I felt a very strong impression from Pacha Mama. We had been talking about the eco-crisis in the jungle and world at large when I thought "this is why I'm here, what can I do to stop this?" I began to feel powerless and a little angry when suddenly I heard "I don't need your help. I could shake you off any time I want to but there is always a bigger system than the one you see. Most of those obsessed with protecting me are doing so because they need to have a righteous cause to identify with. You're job is to live as responsibly as you can and not concern yourself with trying to save me." I was thrown for a huge loop. Why was I here then???

My friends were building a small, simple jungle house a few hundred meters down the road from their agriculture eco project and beliving I had construction experience I offered to help. I ended up building a concrete countertop which took the better part of the month due to most everything having to be cut by hand and using an assortment of reclaimed lumber for the form. The building site was 4km from the edge of town (about 6.5km to the center) so it was sufficiently in the jungle to provide much time alone. Sometimes I would walk (or eventually ride my bike) to town in the evening but even being around people, I was alone. My Spanish was having a hard time improving due to not interacting with many people and for the first couple weeks I felt like I had suddenly become stupid. I knew I wasn't but it still was humbling and made the wall of my own thoughts much more apparent. So many things went through my mind as I worked on the form but the main points are as follows: The universe is much bigger than you and doesn't care how you expect it to act. There's nothing to figure out, just be. The only thing you control is your attention.

Before I arrived in Peru this second time, I thought I knew things. I had come to understand that I don't know much in the scope of life but I still thought I knew how to pour concrete for instance. The mix and drying time in the jungle are significantly different than I was used to. Everything truly is relative and knowledge is specific to certain parameters. I thought I was a hard worker but discovered really it's largely due to the fact that I grew up where the temperature and humidity weren't oppressive most of the year. All the things we consider as us and hold with pride or shame are all bullshit. They're a bunch of environmental conditions that we have chosen to hold on to. Sometimes the universe says "I know you don't mean to be, but you're kind of an asshole", or it did to me. Our technology and machinery have separated us from the earth to where we feel an illusory mastery over her. However, when you step back from all that we've created and experience yourself against the backdrop of nature - you realize how insignificant each of us and our problems are. Does human civilization matter to anyone but humans? I highly doubt any portion of the animal kingdom would miss us but yet we continue to seek and destroy. It might sound odd but feeling my place in things was rather comforting. I didn’t have to take all the pressures of figuring it, whatever "it" is, out. 

Upon returning home I still felt a lot of peace and contentment but as things from the frantic society of the United States have begun to press in, I've found myself seeking once again and proportionally unhappy. The "civilized" world is so out of touch due to it's own detached arrogance that we heap piles of should onto others and ourselves as if we are in control. We hope to change the future and therefore ameliorate the past all the while living in a vortex of hellish judgement. 

The lie / mantra of seekers says: you are separated from xyz and you won't be whole without it. That could be "god" due to some kind of sin (sin only means without) or maybe it's a feeling like being loved; regardless of the situation, something is wrong and the I feels the need to fix it. The unhappiness that drives seeking is based purely in a belief system, not something real. I, the Ego, self - all are constructs of a string of memories that you have chosen to accept as truth. It’s a closed loop that is incapable of growth because growth naturally sheds.  Let me prove to you that for separation to have power, it requires a closed system. The greater your separation, the larger / more desperate the need. Three illustrations follow:

1. Raise a bowling ball 10 meters off the ground and it will leave a dent in the earth. Drop the same bowling ball from two miles and it will go right through a house. Now, break free of the earths gravity and the same ball floats around rather innocuously.

2. Charge a capacitor and then separate the plates, the voltage rises proportional to the distance. This is voltage (also called potential) could theoretically be increased infinitely however at some point the charge would bleed off because just like the bowling ball, eventually one of the parties leaves the system and breaks the bond dissipating the charge. 

You travel abroad and meet a lover whom you pine for upon your return home. Quite out of nowhere you now follow the news about their home country, a place perhaps you never cared about before - watch and cheer for their sports etc. Six months, a year goes by and suddenly you meet someone locally - the charge is sapped off so to speak. All energy takes the path of least resistance and is always looking for a ground / balanced state. 

Conditioning feels true until you are outside the insulation of the system where the built up charge can suddenly dissipate upon coming in contact with the proper grounding incident. That could be a person, an event or simply just a thought that happens to float through your head one day but what triggers it is unimportant. The key is that it's all just a matter of being stuck in a belief system that is a feedback loop. It screeches so loudly that everything contradictory is drowned out. Unplugging the speakers and listening to the silence for a bit is a good metaphorical way to start. 

Many people will say that they "believe in the impossible" meaning "supernatural" or "paranormal" events but the language betrays an unwitting condescension and statement of the actual state of their belief system. Many of the English words used in to describe are based in what I would call "disempowering beliefs". Take "limitless" - to be without limit. That is predicated on the idea of what a limit is. Saying "whole" is different than using the word "unbroken", sure it's a nuance but it still means something. If you didn't have any words, you would have very few thoughts so the words you use have a lot to do with the way you think and perceive life. Do you believe in the impossible or that all things are equally as possible? It's not that you can have the concept of whole without the concept of broken, the point is where is your focus.

I realized that if I say "I feel lost" that implies there is somewhere I think I should be other than where I am. It's not about going on a witch hunt but more about being conscious of the program you are running, deleting it one line at a time with your actual truth, not the bullshit that you were told was the truth for everyone. There is no seeking, all things are accessible right now because all of time and space are connected and non-linear. What we seek (or run from) never is a thing but only an idea that persists for as long as we give it our attention.

At some point in the writing history of this website, I believe I wrote a post extolling the benefits of asking the simple question "why?". I can’t be bothered to search through them all to be certain, but regardless of whether I wrote about it or not, I believed it and now it’s time to recant. I thought that it was the key to figuring out life and personal growth because with sufficient repetition you could unravel any problem. What I would like to submit now is that end of childhood begins with the asking of "why?" They don’t come programmed with words so it’s something that they learn, most likely because they are asked "why did you do that?" usually before being punished. This teaches them to begin defining reality in causal constructs which most people view as a good thing. However, the learned cause and effect is only relevant in a specific system so questioning the "why" of anything is ultimately only fencing you more inside your mind. About the only real answer to the question "why?" is "because you believe it to be". Yesterday I felt like doing something but then the mind jumped in and asked "why? Why do you want to do that?" It wasn’t like the morality was really questionable on anyone’s standards but more of a "what’s the point?" That’s when this change of perspective regarding "why" happened. I’ve seen a lot of things in life both "spiritual" and "material" that didn’t seem to be what they claimed and consequently developed a rather ridged control over "what I believed". I thought being a non-aggressive skeptic was smart, wise, perhaps even good but now I’ve found it to be arrogance and condescension based in fear. Ego, science, religion, history - all are the past intruding on the present, creating the "future": a set of possibilities limited only by your beliefs. 

Inside a LCD (liquid crystal display, what you are probably reading this on now) are several layers of material that convert a stream of information into an image. An over simplification of the device follows: back light, polarizer (5), lcd element (2), polarizer (1. 90° relative to first). The two polarizers block all the light from the back light due to the interference pattern (like pickets in a fence).
When electricity is applied to segments of the liquid crystals, they change their angle of orientation creating a conduit allowing light to pass. (If you want to dig into light polarization further check out this video on Bells Theorem). Essentially, the angle of the crystal defines the possibilities coming out the other side. Screen savers were developed because old CRTs would get "screen burn" where the phosphorus coating would be permanently etched if one image remained for too long. LCD's have a similar issue called "image persistence" where the crystals have a predilection towards the persistent alignment.  Image persistence is generally correctable through a couple simple methods: 1. Power down the monitor for an extended period of time. 2. Use a screen saver that is essentially a pixel wipe. 3. Set the entire screen to one color to reset all the crystals. Why am I still talking about imaging technology? It’s all an analogy. We are made of fluididity, vibration, change - our only definition comes from who we believe ourselves to be. The mind is the liquid crystal with the polarizers of society only passing through what our conditioned beliefs permit. 

Imagine the entirety of the universe being a single conscious photon. The only way for it to experience anything would be through reflection. No two beings have the same experience of you as you. We are all mutually reflective of god experiencing itself infinite ways through these forms. As perfect and whole as we believe it to be. 

Only a heart and mind that do not wish: to define, confine, unravel the divine - simply accepting it is all around, will find the end of seeking intersects with infinity.